How to determine your personality type? 4 preferences of BMTI

Herein, I refer to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (BMTI) of personality type that was invented by a mother-daughter team (Katherine Cook Briggs and Isabel Briggs Myers) to find an avenue to help America women to find jobs that would best match their personalities during World War II.
Today, I still find that BMTI is useful to for our relationship & career.

Knowing your personality type can help in your journey of understanding yourself.
Quite often, personal development programs often incorporate such a test.

By analysing 4 preferences (4 pairs of opposite behaviors) that make up your personality type,
you can arrive at one of the 16 possible combinations of the preferences (hence the 16 personality types).

Note that the test aims to identify your natural preferences,
not abilities.

Choose your preference based on what you tend to do,
not what you think you should do.
This is important,
because recently I helped someone to do the test,
and he spent too much of time thinking & analzying,
I think he is an ESTJ instead of an INFJ.

If you love do the test yourself (DIY),
here are the 4 simple steps.

STEP 1
How do you gain energy? E or I?
E = Extroversion.
I = Introversion.

Extroverts get energy by interacting with people & doing things.
Introverts get energy by reflecting on information, ideas & concepts.

Extroverts want time to talk & to have something to do.
Introverts want time alone, time to think, time to assimilate before action.

Extroverts act first before they think / reflect.
Introverts think first before they act.

For example,
during a meeting,
extroverts are the ones who tend to talk & ask many questions.
Introverts are participating as well, but doing so in their heads.

STEP 2
How do you gather information? S or N?
S = Sensing
N = iNtuition

Sensing individuals see the trees.
iNtuitive individuals see the forest.

Sensing individuals want, notice, believe facts, concrete data, details, clear guidelines, roles, expectations. They distrust hunches / guessed not rooted in logic / observation / facts.
iNtuitive individuals want, attend to, trust inter-relationships, connections, abstracts, theories, patterns, flashes of insights, future possibilities, big picture, general directions, opportunities to participate. They are spontaneous / more imaginative.

For example,
a Sensing boss will go through a standard set of questions with job applicants, call their former employers.
a iNtuitive boss will ‘know’ who to hire after a 5-minute conversation with an applicant, regardless of his / her qualifications.

STEP 3
How do you make decision? T or F?
T = Thinking
F = Feeling

Thinking individuals make decisions using logic, objective analysis.
Feeling individuals make decisions by applying person-centered values.

Thinking individuals want clarity about the decision-making process, competent leadership, fairness.
Feeling individuals want to recognize the impact of decisions on people, to meet people’s needs, to have values drive change & leaders who care, appreciate & support them.

Thinking individuals look for most logical & consistent solution, measure decision up against a set of rules / assumptions.
Feeling individuals consider perspective of everyone involved to arrive at a harmonious / balanced decision.

Thinking individuals accept and expect conflict as part and parcel of dealing with others.
Feeling individuals dislike conflict.

STEP 4
How do you live in the world? J or P?
J = Judging
P = Perceiving

Judging individuals are organized, orderly, make decisions quickly.
Perceiving individuals are flexible, adaptable, keep their options open as long as possible.

Judging individuals want a clear concise plan, defined outcomes & goals, a time frame with stages, clear priorities, and no surprise.
Judging individuals make plans, check things off of a to-do list, get things done ahead of deadlines.
Perceiving individuals want an open-ended approach, flexibility, options, information, room to adjust, go-with-the-flow approach.
Perceiving individuals mix work with play, wait until the last minute before making a decision / commitment.

Now you get the 4 letter description of your personality types.
For example,
if you are an ENFP or an INFJ,
you can find out more about yourself online.

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How to deal with abusive spouse? 6 loving tips to survive

A real life story:
I was surprised by what my friend X has done on the 4th Sunday of June 2013.
She reported her spouse to the police for making repetitive threats that he will kill her.
The couple appears loving to me.
They are kind, charming, polite, educated people.

X and her spouse are from a Christian family,
and I know many loving Christian families
who endure hardship and have long lasting marriages.
However,
as one of the priests (whom I had the fortune to listen to) mentioned,
the Church comprises saints and evils.
Instead of naively believing everyone is good (人心本善),
my view is that,
no matter a person believes in a religion or not,
a person can have the potential to be good or bad.
What matter is to discover the potential to be good, be good and do good.

X shared with me that her spouse has been abusive to her,
she does not know if she is supposed to continue tolerating his actions.

According to BabyCenter,
domestic violence doesn’t have to be physical: it can also be psychological, sexual or financial.

People often assume that women (girlfriends / wives) who are abused come from disadvantaged or deprived communities, but middle-class women (like X) are abused too.

X told me that although she was fearful for her husband’s job,
she has gathered all courage to face the consequences of reporting her husband’s threats.

According to her, her spouse:

# threatens to divorce X, knowing that X wants to hold the family together.
I asked X if he did so only when he was angry at X, but he also did that after they have reconciled,
hence giving X emotional stress.
(X seems to be the bedrock of the marriage.
It is not easy to be the bedrock of a family, a society, a nation.)

# threatens that he will kill X.

# makes X apologize for many times, even after X thinks that they have reconciled over a disagreement / dispute. X’s spouse would want X to kneel for even small matter, which X did to appease him.

# threatens to bully their child.

# seems to be 斤斤计较 / petty-minded / selfish.
X’s spouse was unhappy if X is using laptop or appears to X’s spouse taking care of their child less.
I believe that no matter how superwoman a mother is,
a mother deserves a break.

X mentioned that her spouse argued that if he did not see her taking care of their child,
then it would not be considered as taking care of their child.
Many times, X quietly does the house chores and child caring beyond what they agreed upon.
Then, I learned that
X and he grew up in different family backgrounds.
X was raised in high discipline and independent setting,
whereas he was pampered and spoiled by his mother,
who does not mind being scolded "stupid", "fat pig" by his son.
X does not accept this because to her,
she owes a life to parents.
Such a lack of respect attitude of X’s spouse is perhaps a factor of why X’s spouse is abusive.

Reflection: in my experience, I observe that people who are stingy tend to be 斤斤计较.
Although being stingy and frugal is different,
there is only a fine line between them.
It is important to be aware of the difference.
We strive to be frugal but not stingy.

# often blames X for consequences that are also due to his behavior / actions.

If I am his friend, I will likely to get another perspectives.
However, I am a friend of X,
so many of my sharing will be based on X’s standing point.

Here are loving tips for victims / survivors like X:
1. Love.
Love yourself.
If you do not love yourself,
it is hard to love your children.
Only when you love yourself,
you can genuinely love your children and spouse.
If you do not love yourself,
you cannot love your enemy.

In my opinion, X’s spouse suffers from low self-esteem.
He does not love himself enough,
so he unleashes his built-up anger, resentment, frustrations to his wife,
because he knows that his wife is always forgiving him.

Forgiving is a virtue, but forgiving without loving yourself is not forgiving.
Loving yourself here does not mean being selfish.
Loving yourself means respecting yourself.
A mentor said,
although
(i) Matthew 5:43-48 writes
"Don’t resist violence! If you are slapped on one cheek, turn the other too."
(ii) "No, not seven times," answered Jesus, "but seventy times seven." Matthew 18: 21-22.
but if you cannot be (physically / emotionally) alive after being slapped (inclusive of being abused),
and you have the responsibility to be alive
for the sake of your aging parents and young children,
you are being selfish to them
for upholding what you believe in "false sense of forgiving".
Moreover,
although you aspire to be like your role models (e.g. Saints),
you are just a human being.

2. Pray.
Pray in the morning when you wake up and at night before your sleep.
Daily prayers really help.
Praying is a form of believing,
the law of belief works.

The family that prays together stays together.
Praying together allows you to communicate with each other.

3. Seek family help.
X told me that she has been informing her spouse’ parents on the repetitive threats,
but they told X that he was joking.
Some jokes are not funny.
His family seems to tolerate his abusive behaviors to X.

On a side note,
X feels sorry for her parents in law,
because they are among the nicest to X.
They love to offer buying her food,
but perhaps very kind parents who do everything for their children,
may result in children who take things (including people) for granted.
X is wise enough not to blame her parents in law,
because we are all victims of victims.
X shared with me that her mother in law lost her father in her early childhood,
so she showered all his love to X’s spouse.

Indeed, according to BabyCenter,
it is not true that all men who are violent have grown up in violent homes.
Honestly, I want to have parents in-law like X’s parents-in law, but not a spouse like X’s spouse.

4. Seek spiritual / religious supports.
Personally,
I believe in God and a religion,
so it helps me in my daily life.
A friend who had a severe accident (she ended up wheelchair bound) also found serenity in religion.

Marriage is a major event in human life,
so when one’s marriage is shaken,
it is natural to feel insecure.
But,
human beings have the capacity to harness our inner security / inner peace.

In the case of X,
X told me that she had tried to seek religious helps.
She went to counseling at church,
but he refused to go.

Before their marriage,
X told me that they attended Marriage Preparation Course,
and things seemed OK at that time.
Both proceeds to the marriage at their own free will.

There are also other spiritual supports.
Louise Hay suggests us to repeat,
"All my relationships are harmonious."

X was a migrant from a developing country,
who struggled since her early life,
although she has evolved into an educated woman,
I sense that she still have some traces of feelings of unworthiness / a belief that she is unlovable,
that’s why she attracted her abusive spouse.

Fortunately, X is aware of it and is working hard to change herself.
She is indeed lovable.
She recalled her spouse asked why she wants to get married with him,
given her good qualities.

The good news is
when we change ourselves (change our habits / beliefs / behaviors),
the other person will change or
he will leave our lives.

5. Seek legal supports.
This is what X did by reporting her abusive husband to the police.

If there is an immediate threat to your life, call 999.
Otherwise, a police report can be lodged at any Neighbourhood Police Centre (NPC).

In family violence cases, the Police is concerned with the following:
(i). The safety of the victim / any physical injuries?
(ii). With the consent of the victims, the Police will also refer them to the relevant Family Service Centres or Crisis Shelters for assistance.
(iii). If they wish to seek further legal protection, they will be advised to apply for a Personal Protection Order from the Family Court.
(iv). Where warranted, the Police will take action to prosecute the perpetrator.

6. Seek social supports.
A social worker told me,
after listening to many problems of people,
if you put your problem into a pile where others also put their problems,
and you have to take a problem,
you will definitely choose to take yours back and not others.

However, if your life is being threatened,
you must take actions to protect yourself and your children.

You can call / visit the Family Service Centre near your home if you need help or advice, or if you just need to talk to someone.

If you find my post useful to you, please donate to me. Thank you!
If you are a victim of domestic violence,
I pray for you to regain harmonious relationships.

How to deal with rude people? 20 diplomatic survival tips

I was visiting a friend of mine R and witnessed how rude her dishonest employee talked to her.
The employee often gave R condescending look, used swearing words while talking to R, never said sorry after spoiling things.
R is kind, gentle and soft-spoken.
That’s possibly why she has been taken advantage of.
Fortunately, based on my observations, most people whom R encounters in life are kind & respectful to her.

I could understand R’s feeling, she has to spend her hard-earned $ to hire the employee and yet receive such kind of treatment.

R is a positive woman, she confessed to me that her encounter with the rude has made her appreciate her kind, polite, understanding friends (including me!) and family even much more.

However, once in a while, we may encounter rude people.

Rude person abuses others verbally and emotionally.
So, how to deal with rude people (applicable to rude co-workers, associates, customers, employees, managers, bosses)?

1. Do not expect everyone to be nice and friendly;

do not expect rude people to change,
yet we do our best to be nice / polite / kind to everyone. This is the same principle as the gratitude law / principle: we are to express our gratitude in life yet do not expect gratitude from others. Ingratitude is common and when someone expresses gratitude to us, the person really adds rainbow to our life.

2. Do not ask "Why do bad things happen to good people?", instead ask more empowering / better questions, e.g. "How to deal with adversities / overcome challenges (e.g. rude people)?"

3. Reframe our perspectives / perceptions / beliefs.
Do not feel / declare yourself as a victim because you do not want to worsen your pain.

4. Give the rude person kindness, sympathy, empathy.
Note:
Being kind does not mean that you tolerate one abuse after another.
Being kind simply means that you respond to the other person politely.
Being empathic is nice, but being over-empathic is not. Everything in excess disturbs harmony / equilibrium.

5. Understand that irrationality is a human quality.
A person can be rude and channel their frustrations to you for no rational reason.
R’s employee was rude to R probably due to R being too kind, gentle, much younger, more talented, more loved & likable.

6. Understand that prejudice / bias is also sadly a human quality. The rude person may have some prejudice about our age, gender, race, occupation and so on; especially if the rude person behaves differently to others.

The rude person may also judge you for something else that you’ve done.
It is not easy to shift / change other people & their judgment.
Release our need to change the rude person / to improve them.
Practice the art of detachment.
It is better to leap / focus yourself for GREATER PURPOSEs in life.

7. Seek POSITIVE MEANINGs from the unhappy encounter like what my friend R did, she realizes how wonderful her friends and family are.

Many things in life are relative,
if we have never experience bad things in life,
we may take our blessings for granted.

8. Focus on your GREATER PURPOSEs / things in which we can contribute more values to our lives, our loved ones and others.

9. Align / seek help from the more powerful / wise people who can help us. If necessary (e.g. in the case that you cannot immediately employ any exit strategy), humbly request the more powerful / wise to be a mediator.
Observe how others (especially the more powerful / wise) handle the rude person.

10. The art of endurance enables you to endure injustice / insult / pain / stress.
Be resilient.
吃得苦中苦方为人上人
Use thick face & Love yourself.
Never let the words of others hurt you.
Do not take it personally / seriously.
Don’t Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. … the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. ~Don Miguel Ruiz

11. Raise your consciousness.
Decide that you are not going to get dragged down into the rude person’s drama; be above the fray.
To quote Rene Descartes, "Whenever anyone has offended me, I try to raise my soul so high that the offense cannot reach it."
Imagine yourself as any of these:
deeply grounded oak tree that no storm can shake my inmost calm.
bamboo that bend but do not break upon encountering rude treatment.
super filter that listen to only kind words and quick to filter out rude words by others.
shielding bubble that protects you from the rude people, the harmful effects will never hurt you.

12. See the encounter as a learning opportunity.
My friend R told me that she has learned things that she will not do (especially subconsciously) to other people from her rude employee (based on what the employee did to her and the hurtful effects on R).

13. Silent treatment. The saying goes that silence is golden.
A study showed that people who completely ignore those deemed rude and offensive were more mentally healthy than those who engage with the rude.
However, this tips works for the rude person we encounter once in a while, but not the persistently rude (e.g. direct bosses / employees / regular customers).
For the rude person that we may have to deal more often at particular time and location in our lives:
Consider looking at the rude person directly in the eye and don’t say a thing (neither disagree nor agree with them).

14. Master our emotion. Do not express fear, anger, pride, to prevent uttering wrong words that can exacerbate the situation.

15. Understand the sources of our negative emotions (e.g. fear, anger) caused by the rude person, then practice the art of detachment.

16. Do not react immediately. Practice Siberian North Rail Road technique (Stop Breath Notice Reflect Respond).
Then you will have more time to choose your response.
Dearest reader, I know that this can be difficult to do, because you might want to fight back in the heat of the moment,
but with practice, like everything else, you will get better.
You can also consult / reflect on what your mentors / guru / jedi will do if they encounter similar situations,
and then make a firm decision on how to respond.

17. Do not confront / burn the bridge if you have little / no bargaining power, e.g. rude bosses, unless you have nothing to lose, e.g. you have secured a better job.
Know when to stand up for yourself. Choose your battle carefully, if the battle does not worth the fight, just use the exit strategies.
How to stand up for ourselves?
Draw our boundaries. Be clear on what we will tolerate and what we will not tolerate.

18. Do not retaliate using threats to prevent agitating the rude person.
Let the universe judge injustice.

19. Beware of analysis paralysis. Do not over think / over-analyze your behavior or the rude person, your history of interactions.

"Someone who is so hurtful towards you does not deserve any more of your energy."

20. EXIT strategies.
For example, my friend can choose not to continue hiring the rude employee.
Minimize contacts / ignore the rude person.
Stay away from any rude stranger.
Keep the rude person out of sight, out of mind.
Leave / avoid the rude person when there is no reason to stay, e.g. just leave / avoid obnoxious drivers. There is no use to talk to them.

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Are you / your loved one an INFJ? ~40 simple descriptions to understand them

To know your personality type,
you can do an instant self-guided assessment here.

Since a good friend of mine is INFJ and I would love to understand her,
I have been highly motivated to learn (and now share) about INFJ people.

INFJ = Protector = Counselor = Confidant = Healer = Foreseer Developer.

Only 1% of the population has INFJ personality (the most rare personality type).

Dear INFJ,
“You are not here merely to make a living.
You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply,
with greater vision,
with a finer spirit of hope and achievement.
You are here to enrich the world,
and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand.”
Woodrow Wilson

Famous people who are INFJ:
Amelie Poulain
Carl Jung
D Yuri Zhivago – Doctor Zhivago
Eleanor Rossevelt
Goethe
Jimmy Carter
Mahatma Gandhi
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Mother Teresa
Nelson Mandela
Nicole Kidman
Oprah Winfrey
Plato
…
and fictional characters of INFJs:
Luke Skywalker
Jane Eyre

Bloggers who declare themselves as INFJs:
Jennifer Zhang
Barbara Coz

@~@ live with integrity / have strong value systems / Highly principled.
@~@ is independent.
@~@ is creative (artistic / original / INFJ live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities).
@~@ INFJs often think by way of images ; their minds are of visual nature.
@~@ When engrossed in creative flow / Csikszentmihalyi’s flow , INFJ experience themselves in perfect synchrony with the universe. Some have described this as a trance (an altered state of consciousness in which they morph into a vessel of creative energy). Others have likened it to divine inspiration or being visited by muses.
@~@ is visionary / idealistic / future-oriented.
@~@ are constantly in a state of self-renewal ; believe in constant growth and don’t often take time to revel in their accomplishments.
@~@ constantly seeking meaning and purpose in everything.
@~@ determined (they rarely stray from their vision no matter what it is / they don’t believe in compromising their ideals).
@~@ devoted.
@~@ hardworking.
@~@ generally “doers” as well as great dreamers.
@~@ deep / complex (INFJ has complex feelings & take great care to express them).
@~@ cooperative in reaching their goals.
@~@ gentle / easy going (although they have very high expectations of themselves).
Gandhi remarked that “In a gentle way, you can shake the world”.
@~@ is an excellent listener with almost infinite patience. In the words of infjoe, “Just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I’m not listening. I’m busy focusing on the things that aren’t being said.”
@~@ INFJs are old souls. Many grow up feeling wiser than would be predicted by their chronological age.
@~@ natural nurturer / focus on human potentials.
@~@ altruistic / love to contribute to welfare of the human beings.
@~@ INFJ enjoy the chance to share their wisdom, theories, and insights.
@~@ natural leader ; although they are not generally visible leaders, they quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes with their families, friends, and colleagues. To quote Susan Cain, “Quiet leadership is not an oxymoron.”
@~@ caring / warm / helpful / compassionate / service-oriented / can readily ingratiate 讨好 themselves to others.
@~@ insightful ; artful / canny understanding of people & situations ; INFJ can become aware of another’s emotions or intentions-good or evil-even before that person is conscious of them. This ‘mind-reading’ can take the form of feeling the hidden distress or illnesses of others to an extent which is difficult for other personality types to comprehend.
@~@ INFJ are quick to differentiate the “real and authentic” from the “fake and contrived”. INFJ can ‘X-ray’ other personalities / they can “read” people.
@~@ Value deep, authentic relationships.
@~@ highly intuitive / spontaneous within themselves.
@~@ INFJs concern themselves with forging new connections and reconciling opposites by way of their Intuition.
@~@ focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.
@~@ strong empathy ; INFJ have strong ability to take into themselves the feelings of others, hence they can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact.
@~@ protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it ; reserved about expressing their true selves.
@~@ INFJs tend to be quiet ; they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy).
@~@ orderly / systematic (in their outer world) ; INFJ constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives.
@~@ INFJ are system builders; most INFJ systems are founded on human beings and human values.
@~@ Can work logically and rationally – use their intuition to understand the goal and work backwards towards it.

@~@ believe in their intuition & tend to ignore other people’s opinions. Solutions: seek trusted mentors / Jedi / collaborators.
@~@ cannot tolerate conflict very well. can easily burn out / suffer depression. Solutions: develop strong inner strength & inner peace.
@~@ a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential ; there’s always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them.
Solutions:
1. be gentle with yourself.
2. be mindful of the intrisic desire of INFJ to constantly improve their romantic partner which may be perceived as being naggy, know when to apply Siberian North Rail Road technique (Stope, Breathe, Notice, Reflect, Respond).
@~@ highly sensitive. Solutions: learn how to center & ground yourself while realizing other people’s problems aren’t always INFJ’s to help fixing.

@~@ INFJs seek high quality, in-depth relationships.
@~@ INFJ see love relationship as an opportunity to connect and grow.
@~@ INFJ enjoy relationships when they are improving and changing, but not stagnation.
@~@ INFJ’s natural partner is the ENTP, or the ENFP. INFJ is also compatible with INTJ.
Why ENFP?The inner world of INFJs in many ways resembles the outer world of ENFPs. It is playful, colorful, mischievous, and daring.

When other people don’t get INFJ, they see INFJ as manipulative / weak / unstable.

Suitable career for INFJ:
entrepreneur / marketer.
artist (e.g. designer, photographer).
scientist where they make use of their intuition.
medical Doctors / dentists / alternative medicine guru (e.g. Chiropractor, Reflexologist).
psychologists / psychiatrists.
Counselors / Social Workers.
teacher / professor / trainer.
Child Care / Early Childhood Development.
writer.

At work, INFJ stay motivated and happy … as long as they are working toward a dream they support.
INFJ are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.
Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.

Related:
http://infjoe.wordpress.com/ : with highly recommended comic / cartoon !
http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html
http://www.oswego.edu/plsi/infj.htm
http://neverneverneverquit.wordpress.com/2012/10/16/i-am-an-infj/
http://anxietyadventures.wordpress.com/2012/08/15/infj-introversion-intuition-feeling-judging/
http://amytempleman.com/wordpress/2011/10/infj-what-my-meyers-briggs-personality-type-means-to-me/
Susan Cain’s Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.

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A journey to Yunnan

This is a backlog travel note.

@~@
What to bring?
see 2bring4travel.txt in my folder of China2012.

@~@
I make a marking for every (large in amount) RMB note that we bring to China.
Why?
The money changer staff told us that her son was cheated.

Her son gave the shop assistant a large note.
The shop assistant went to look for change.
She came back and told him that there was no change and returned him a fake note!

@~@
Our tour guide to Shi Lin was Mr Wang.

He told us that to travel by yourselves will cost more than joining tour.
Mr Wang said his salary is RMB 1600. A month expenditure is RMB 1000. Therefore, we have to shop, the more we shop, the more commission he will receive.

If one earns RMB 2500 per month, he or she is considered high earner.
The main sources of income for travel company in Yunnan:
1. tourist attractions.
2. air tickets.
3. hotel (we were promised 4* hotel-room but we got a RMB 80 / night 2* motel-room).

4. food (Wang told us to expect the food to be not delicious).

China has 56 tribes.
Yunnan has 52 tribes.
Mr Wang said that fast and dark female are desirable.
女孩十八岁像老太太
老太太像老妖怪

To leave the mountain, the minority people have 2 paths:

1. study well
2. join the army
In his village (Shi Lin), the eldest woman in the tribe is the head. If a man run away to leave the mountain, all family members will be punished.

According to Wang, silver can remove ‘wind’.

To me, A Shi Ma (Yunnan) to greet female sounds similar to Ajuma (Korea).
A Shi Ma 阿诗玛 means diligent and beautiful.
To greet male, A Hei Ge 阿黑哥 / A Bai Ge 阿白哥 / Hei Bai Ge 黑白哥 aka A Hua Ge 阿花哥.

Lake is called Sea.
River 河 is called Jiang.

FOOD that we tried:
@~@ flower pastry. We love it (JiaHua brand).
@~@ over-the-bridge rice noodle.
@~@ The eight treasures of Yunnan. Too sour for me.
@~@ Wild mushroom banquet. Thank you to our tour guide Wang for driving us there (for free), he said he stayed near there. The waitress was also honest to return a forgotten phone.

@~@ Hui cuisine. The wild vegetable was unique, my first time eating such kind of vegetable.
@~@ 青稞饼 (barley bread).

FAUNA
@~@ grazing yaks (black, white, brown) : Zhongdian / 中甸, Blue Moon Valley
@~@ sheep
@~@ horse riding, LaShiHai / 拉市海*. It costs us RMB 350 / person, latter someone told us that you can have the ride for RMB 100. My travel partner was happy for the first time riding horse.

* When I prepared for the trip to Yunnan, 拉市海 seems so tranquil like Lake Bohinj, but when we visited 拉市海, it was hot and crowded (especially at the horse riding sites). The tranquil site was frequently visited by couples taking pre wedding photos.

Be careful of:
pickpockets / bag slashings.
Avoid barber shops, massage centers (con involvement).
police num: 110

Black Dragon Pool / 云南黑龙潭
The front cover of my favorite travel book: DK Eyewitness of China features the Black Dragon Pool with Yulong (Jade Dragon) Snow Mountain and its reflection.

When we were there, the pool was dried that we could see the cracking soil and smell the unpleasant fishy odor.

Sometimes, virtual travel (through travel books / documentaries / videos) seems, sounds and smells more relaxing. Personally, this is possible if only we have experienced similar things before, so that we can imagine and re-feel. If not, we have to travel our lives!
Many times, we have to travel indeed.

Lijiang 丽江 to Zhongdian 中甸:
terraced fields (reminded me on the journey to Sapa in Vietnam).
the upper reaches of the Yangtze River.

@~@
See also:
https://blueroselady.wordpress.com/2012/04/01/dream-of-love-in-the-spring-2012/
https://blueroselady.wordpress.com/2012/02/09/plan-for-our-love-photos-china/
https://blueroselady.wordpress.com/2012/02/12/travel-china-sichuan/
https://blueroselady.wordpress.com/2012/01/26/asia-regional-travel-ideas-2012-2014/
Blueroselady’s travel

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It is better not to give criticism and non-positive comments

When I was pregnant and near to delivery, my younger brother remarked that I had gained weight. He just came back from visiting our parents and had not seen me for perhaps over 2 months. I was not angry at all, and accepted his comment as an objective assessment. That means my baby was growing and would arrive soon.

However, I will be unhappy if it was my man who made the remark. Even though I gain weight, my man is not supposed to say that, he is supposed to think and (explicitly and implicitly) say that "no matter that you are getting rounder, you are beautiful" to him.

I was also not so happy when my man’s colleague EY said that I am getting fatter. Perhaps it was because he said it in front of my man, and my man said nothing that assured me. For example, "Yes, my wife is getting rounder because our baby is growing, but she is very beautiful and radiant, right?"

So, the differences in our relationship with the person we want to give comments to do matter greatly.
It is a big NO NO for a man to criticize his woman.

To be safe, it is better not to give non-positive comments.
Say more kind (yet honest) words.
Say no hurtful words.

Revising my notes on how to take beautiful photographs

I love photos because photography literally means painting with light.
When we are taking photographs, we should think it as an act of our respects to beautiful scenery created by God.
Though photography is very subjective (I do like particular photographs but not others), photography enable us to connect to people across nation, geographical, and cultural boundaries.
I strive to have the curious eyes of children, the mind of philosopher.

Here are some tips:
Photography for the very beginners.
Practice!
Mini shoot.
Photo shoot session as a date (cheaper than fine dining / watching movies).
Discovery projects
Study work by others (the same goes for every field of professional pursuit, though I am not a professional, but I strive to create work of high standard). As of early 2013, I have over 6,000 photos for reference. Perhaps, I have to declutter them, to focus more on quality than quantity. Some good online places that I have used include : Flickr, Pbase, Corbis, websites of bridal studios or professional photographers, travel / photography books.

How to photograph people?
How to photograph your little ones?
I am committed to photography my little ones once every month.

How to pose for photos?
Be photogenic!
Not to forget make-up, even for gentlemen.
“The best shots reflect a relaxed simplicity."

Celebrate and take photos. I especially love to celebrate the four seasons.
Do you want to travel and take photos?
Here are interesting locations:
1. China: Beijing (warning the sky is so often polluted that I had to degrain and make the sky blue in a photo taken at the National Palace that I cherish), Yunnan, Sichuan (especially near Chengdu), Hong Kong,Taiwan.
Korea: very romantic for autumn and winter shots.
2. Malaysia : Malacca, Penang
3. Indonesia: Bali (many couples are getting married at the island of God), you can get forever summer photos here.
4. United Kingdom because I lived there. I always love the England gardens! I even love their fine porcelain mugs printed with garden flowers. Think of Alice in the Wonderland, Harry Potter, all magical things! I love England in spring and autumn.
5. France: forever ROMANTIC Paris! Imagine perfume, Lavender, Mediterranean sea of French Riviera, and beautiful delicious food.
6. Oceania : Australia (because I think I am going there more often) and New Zealand (after I finish enjoying and experiencing The Lord of the Ring as promised by my lover).

Some reflections about travel photography:
1. Always bring TRIPOD when you travel, especially on your own. Tripod can help you take photographs with slow shutter and produce magical photos that our normal eyes cannot see.
2. "When we are taking photographs, we should think that they are our love letter to our beloved ones." My love letters sent from Canada.
3. I wrote "Shangrila (Zhongdian) in Yunnan reminds me on Switzerland."
Personally, I do not like Zhongdian.
Switzerland is a better travel destination.
Friendlier people / safer environment.
Lower altitude / more oxygen.
Better experience and memory.

Although I am not considering a career in photography, I believe that my photographic skills are improving with time.
I may also earn some pocket money from my passion in beauty and photography.
If I can, so can you!

Giving gives you happiness

People whom I think deserve listening to and learning from, advocate giving. When we give, we will feel happy.

I have given many things in my life:
Smile.
$$$.
Time.
Gifts.
Things for donation.
Talent.
Energy / sweat.
Blood.
Encouragement.
I hope to give wisdom in the near future.

Most time I am happy to give, but there are times I am forced to give by circumstances.
For example, once a woman asked my man to help her take photo, then she asked me to lend her my (beautiful) hat. I was unwilling because it was drizzling and I did not feel well, yet I still gave in to her request.
This is a very small example, in work / school we are often / sometimes / rarely forced to give as well.

Why are we sometimes unhappy to give?
1. The receiver has more than us. They already have more / better things yet they insist / trick us to give to them.
E.g. An acquaintance WT who spent $ to study in US, then she got a scholarship to study in UK, mentioned that a beggar earns 50% more than her per month (the beggar’s income is in news in summer 2012).

2. There are imbalance of forces / power. People of authority (parents, teachers, bosses) make you to do things in which you have to give more than what you are willing to give.

3. There are inequality of contribution from collaborators / co-workers / team members in giving and receiving. A solution is to enter the joint efforts with the attitude of "giving without expecting to receive", but this does not serve the purpose of group synergy. When you collaborate, you want 1 + 1 = 3 or more. Perhaps not all collaboration makes everyone happy, if this is the case and you find yourself giving more than what you should, you can try to move on to another project then.

4. Naturally, it makes sense not to give to your competitors (e.g. in business), unless you want to turn them into your collaborators. I think the latter strategy is excellent. When you cannot beat your competitors, you join them, which I did well in summer 2009.

5. Emotion / personal likes and dislikes / chemistry. We just like some people more than others, e.g. our good / kind friends. A girlfriend of mine is rich from working in bank and claiming insurance, yet I still love to give her gifts because I love her. We have been friends for ages and I found her like my elder sister (whom I never have), wise and kind. On contrary, we may find it hard to like (hopefully very few) people. E.g. Can you like your housemate if he always leaves post-excretion signs on your toilet bowl? Can you like your neighbor who blast loud music when you want to sleep? No matter what, even if our likes and dislikes for different people vary, we will still try our best to see everyone equally. After all, we are all children of God.

Is PhD really a waste of time?

I just finished reading an article in the Economist.

In life, we are facing multiple choices and making decisions. According to the Pareto’s Law, 20% of our decisions will affect 80% of our life. My decision to embark on a graduate study did significantly affect my life, I have learned things that I want to do and things that I do not want to do. I think the most important is, no matter what decisions you make, you tell yourself that you will enjoy opportunities to grow and contribute. It is not like decision A is wrong, decision B is right. It is more like decision A will bring you particular good things, decision B will bring you another kind of good things, so you will never fear in making decisions and regret whatever decisions you made.

Here are things that I am grateful for from my PhD days:

Fulfilling a dream. Idealistically, PhD is an abbreviation for People Have Dreams. Not everyone has the opportunity to pursue a PhD. One needs good undergraduate records. Honestly, I meet many people who have higher IQ than me (I know that based on how fast they understand concepts / think of answers), but I was diligent and committed to do well in my academic study. None of my parents had enjoyed college or even the basic education, so being able to complete a study until the highest level is a personal and family dream for me during my school time. Then, after I passed my viva, I learned that there are Doctor of Sciences beyond PhD. The person who told me that is one of my supervisors, a professor with Doctor of Sciences. Like the saying, there will always be a higher mountain. However, completing my PhD makes me believe that I can fulfill any dream that I have in life.
Note: some universities may award very prominent leaders in business / government an honorary degree, this is another path to PhD.

Learning to trust my intuition. I made a crucial decision in the beginning of my study, though I had to say sorry to some people (in order not to upset them), I know deep inside I made the right decision. Those people kept on telling me that I would regret, but I have no regret now. I agree with Tim, regret is past-tense decision making. I am glad now that I made the audacious decision at that time.

Meeting friends of lifetime from around the globe. You can also meet international friends if you work in international firm, but PhD students are ‘slaves’, at least according to the Economist article and suffering people find consolation in each other. We have been super good friends.

Living frugally. I could survive without meat for a week until the next free meal opportunity. I managed to save a little from my PhD stipend for my parents. Unlike a senior MR who straight away went to set up her business and honing her sales skills, of course my earning was not comparable to my senior. After all, PhD stipends, if not self-funded, are often from generous donations of charitable organizations, philanthropists, and tax payers money. It does not seem right to be rich from stipend money, whereas it is laudable for my senior to earn 6 digits in her first four years of business.

More academic learning somehow enhanced my analytical and writing skills. It was during my PhD study that I produced writings that won me tickets to inspiring meetings not related to my thesis topic, but more on global issues. I met a friend of Warren Buffett who is so friendly and inspiring. I listened to so many enthusiastic entrepreneurs, decision makers, world leaders. Those are my happiest holidays. I seldom took time off, because I did not know how many days per annum I was allowed to take vacation. In fact, I could be considered over-worked.

Unleashing my courage and becoming a calculated risk-taker. I did some activities that I would never want to take before, I did not know how I managed to gather my courage but I know it has to be from within.

Surviving a hardship. As mentioned in the article, seven-day weeks, ten-hour days, and low pay are for PhD students. It takes great mental and physical strength to survive life like this. But what does not kill you, makes you stronger. Is it always true? But I witnessed how some surviving PhD students, with their white hair, wrinkles at merely 30s moved on to post-doc and continued the hardship, with greater responsibility and demands from their bosses. Indeed, I am concerned with a friend continuous fatigue just after completing his PhD with a supervisor whose interests are to squeeze as much juice as possible out of his students. The article also mentioned that the misaligned interests of academics / universities versus those of PhD students. The academics need cheap labors (PhD students and postdoc). Ideally, these academics play a mentoring role, but in real life, they are like slave drivers. Seeing how a mentor of mine do things, I do not want to be like him, squeezing poor PhD students. Fortunately, I also encounter two nice mentors.

My beautiful alma mater, an open space museum and garden. For the reputation of my alma mater, people like to "wow" in words or eyes, sometimes I feel like carrying an LV bag, that is why I swear not to buy any LV bag. I prefer high quality, non-branded, sometimes ethnic bags, with their own identity. I want to be regarded based on my character and the quality of my work, not based on the bag I carried (the school I went to). A matter of brand aside, I love the fresh air, the grass, the flora and fauna, the romantic architectures, the history, and many people whom I encounter there.

Thank you!

Human relationships are complex yet I want to build relationships using my simplicity and sincerity

A successful friend (77), once told me that the most difficult thing is human relationship. In the end of March 2012, due to miscommunication, I realize that my friend is perhaps right.

People of different background are involved in this communication, from the English, the French, the Indian, to the Chinese, so it is hard for me to tone my communication to suit someone, as it involved people of diverse background.
I sent suggestions as my help was requested, but the person feel insulted.
I want to help others.
I have tried to limit myself not to help others, if they do not request my help.
Even so, I still make the other person unhappy.

A piece of advice from the mentor SH:
I think you should have a talk with him to clarify things.
All guys have ego, like your brother, I think it is of similar situation.

Lessons:
1. To tailor make my communication to different individuals.
2. Accept the fact that I cannot make everyone happy.

Another example for sharing:
A close friend of mine (a male) once accidentally asked his former colleague GM if she likes him.
The problem was she knew that he was in a relationship with a girl who is their mutual friend.
With the personality of his former colleague, my close friend made her lose face.
Since then, she refused my close friend to contact her.