How to choose sunscreen (at least for myself and children)?

In mid November 2013, I read a scientific finding (by J.L. of my undergraduate almamater) that nano particles such as zinc oxide can possibly cause cancer.

Then, I feel the need to check the ingredients of my sunscreen.

SPF 15 or higher only protects against UVB, but not UVA. According to Dr. David J. Leffell (professor of dermatology and surgery at the Yale School of Medicine), the followings (ecamsule, avobenzone, oxybenzone, titanium dioxide, sulisobenzone, or zinc oxide) protect against UVA.

According to the webmd.com, children’s sunscreens use ingredients less likely to irritate the skin, like titanium dioxide and zinc oxide.

It seems that the more complicated a product is, the more hidden or unknown risks it carries.

Is zinc oxide (in sunscreen) good or bad for us?

Dr. Lawrence Gibson (a dermatologist at Mayo Clinic) views that sunscreen is safe (has not been proven to increase the risk of skin cancer, has been proven to reduce the risk of melanoma). Instead of looking at a sunscreen’s SPF, choose a broad-spectrum sunscreen that will protect you from UVA and UVB rays

If you are pregnant, avoid sunscreens that contain antioxidant retinyl palmitate, a form of vitamin A or retinol.

Sand, water, snow and concrete reflect sunlight.

Instead of being confused by the choices of sunscreen,
consider the following tips:
# Avoid the sun during peak hours (between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m.), regardless of season (Since UV light can pass through clouds, use sunscreen even when it’s cloudy).
# Choose indoor activities (e.g. indoor swim) during the sun peak hours.
# Wear protective clothing e.g. pants, long sleeve shirts, sunglasses.
# Wear a wide-brimmed hat.
# Use an umbrella.
# Vitamins. Vitamin E can protect against UV-induced DNA damage. Vitamin C helps protect skin from sunburn.
# Do not let any product lull you into a false sense of security about sun exposure.
# Finally, pursue a combinatorial approach (shade, clothing, umbrella / hat, sunscreen, common sense).

How to deal with abusive spouse? 6 loving tips to survive

A real life story:
I was surprised by what my friend X has done on the 4th Sunday of June 2013.
She reported her spouse to the police for making repetitive threats that he will kill her.
The couple appears loving to me.
They are kind, charming, polite, educated people.

X and her spouse are from a Christian family,
and I know many loving Christian families
who endure hardship and have long lasting marriages.
However,
as one of the priests (whom I had the fortune to listen to) mentioned,
the Church comprises saints and evils.
Instead of naively believing everyone is good (人心本善),
my view is that,
no matter a person believes in a religion or not,
a person can have the potential to be good or bad.
What matter is to discover the potential to be good, be good and do good.

X shared with me that her spouse has been abusive to her,
she does not know if she is supposed to continue tolerating his actions.

According to BabyCenter,
domestic violence doesn’t have to be physical: it can also be psychological, sexual or financial.

People often assume that women (girlfriends / wives) who are abused come from disadvantaged or deprived communities, but middle-class women (like X) are abused too.

X told me that although she was fearful for her husband’s job,
she has gathered all courage to face the consequences of reporting her husband’s threats.

According to her, her spouse:

# threatens to divorce X, knowing that X wants to hold the family together.
I asked X if he did so only when he was angry at X, but he also did that after they have reconciled,
hence giving X emotional stress.
(X seems to be the bedrock of the marriage.
It is not easy to be the bedrock of a family, a society, a nation.)

# threatens that he will kill X.

# makes X apologize for many times, even after X thinks that they have reconciled over a disagreement / dispute. X’s spouse would want X to kneel for even small matter, which X did to appease him.

# threatens to bully their child.

# seems to be 斤斤计较 / petty-minded / selfish.
X’s spouse was unhappy if X is using laptop or appears to X’s spouse taking care of their child less.
I believe that no matter how superwoman a mother is,
a mother deserves a break.

X mentioned that her spouse argued that if he did not see her taking care of their child,
then it would not be considered as taking care of their child.
Many times, X quietly does the house chores and child caring beyond what they agreed upon.
Then, I learned that
X and he grew up in different family backgrounds.
X was raised in high discipline and independent setting,
whereas he was pampered and spoiled by his mother,
who does not mind being scolded "stupid", "fat pig" by his son.
X does not accept this because to her,
she owes a life to parents.
Such a lack of respect attitude of X’s spouse is perhaps a factor of why X’s spouse is abusive.

Reflection: in my experience, I observe that people who are stingy tend to be 斤斤计较.
Although being stingy and frugal is different,
there is only a fine line between them.
It is important to be aware of the difference.
We strive to be frugal but not stingy.

# often blames X for consequences that are also due to his behavior / actions.

If I am his friend, I will likely to get another perspectives.
However, I am a friend of X,
so many of my sharing will be based on X’s standing point.

Here are loving tips for victims / survivors like X:
1. Love.
Love yourself.
If you do not love yourself,
it is hard to love your children.
Only when you love yourself,
you can genuinely love your children and spouse.
If you do not love yourself,
you cannot love your enemy.

In my opinion, X’s spouse suffers from low self-esteem.
He does not love himself enough,
so he unleashes his built-up anger, resentment, frustrations to his wife,
because he knows that his wife is always forgiving him.

Forgiving is a virtue, but forgiving without loving yourself is not forgiving.
Loving yourself here does not mean being selfish.
Loving yourself means respecting yourself.
A mentor said,
although
(i) Matthew 5:43-48 writes
"Don’t resist violence! If you are slapped on one cheek, turn the other too."
(ii) "No, not seven times," answered Jesus, "but seventy times seven." Matthew 18: 21-22.
but if you cannot be (physically / emotionally) alive after being slapped (inclusive of being abused),
and you have the responsibility to be alive
for the sake of your aging parents and young children,
you are being selfish to them
for upholding what you believe in "false sense of forgiving".
Moreover,
although you aspire to be like your role models (e.g. Saints),
you are just a human being.

2. Pray.
Pray in the morning when you wake up and at night before your sleep.
Daily prayers really help.
Praying is a form of believing,
the law of belief works.

The family that prays together stays together.
Praying together allows you to communicate with each other.

3. Seek family help.
X told me that she has been informing her spouse’ parents on the repetitive threats,
but they told X that he was joking.
Some jokes are not funny.
His family seems to tolerate his abusive behaviors to X.

On a side note,
X feels sorry for her parents in law,
because they are among the nicest to X.
They love to offer buying her food,
but perhaps very kind parents who do everything for their children,
may result in children who take things (including people) for granted.
X is wise enough not to blame her parents in law,
because we are all victims of victims.
X shared with me that her mother in law lost her father in her early childhood,
so she showered all his love to X’s spouse.

Indeed, according to BabyCenter,
it is not true that all men who are violent have grown up in violent homes.
Honestly, I want to have parents in-law like X’s parents-in law, but not a spouse like X’s spouse.

4. Seek spiritual / religious supports.
Personally,
I believe in God and a religion,
so it helps me in my daily life.
A friend who had a severe accident (she ended up wheelchair bound) also found serenity in religion.

Marriage is a major event in human life,
so when one’s marriage is shaken,
it is natural to feel insecure.
But,
human beings have the capacity to harness our inner security / inner peace.

In the case of X,
X told me that she had tried to seek religious helps.
She went to counseling at church,
but he refused to go.

Before their marriage,
X told me that they attended Marriage Preparation Course,
and things seemed OK at that time.
Both proceeds to the marriage at their own free will.

There are also other spiritual supports.
Louise Hay suggests us to repeat,
"All my relationships are harmonious."

X was a migrant from a developing country,
who struggled since her early life,
although she has evolved into an educated woman,
I sense that she still have some traces of feelings of unworthiness / a belief that she is unlovable,
that’s why she attracted her abusive spouse.

Fortunately, X is aware of it and is working hard to change herself.
She is indeed lovable.
She recalled her spouse asked why she wants to get married with him,
given her good qualities.

The good news is
when we change ourselves (change our habits / beliefs / behaviors),
the other person will change or
he will leave our lives.

5. Seek legal supports.
This is what X did by reporting her abusive husband to the police.

If there is an immediate threat to your life, call 999.
Otherwise, a police report can be lodged at any Neighbourhood Police Centre (NPC).

In family violence cases, the Police is concerned with the following:
(i). The safety of the victim / any physical injuries?
(ii). With the consent of the victims, the Police will also refer them to the relevant Family Service Centres or Crisis Shelters for assistance.
(iii). If they wish to seek further legal protection, they will be advised to apply for a Personal Protection Order from the Family Court.
(iv). Where warranted, the Police will take action to prosecute the perpetrator.

6. Seek social supports.
A social worker told me,
after listening to many problems of people,
if you put your problem into a pile where others also put their problems,
and you have to take a problem,
you will definitely choose to take yours back and not others.

However, if your life is being threatened,
you must take actions to protect yourself and your children.

You can call / visit the Family Service Centre near your home if you need help or advice, or if you just need to talk to someone.

If you find my post useful to you, please donate to me. Thank you!
If you are a victim of domestic violence,
I pray for you to regain harmonious relationships.

How to read story books to children? 13 fun loving tips

Strickland Gililan (1869-1954) in the Reading Mother:
“You may have tangible wealth untold;
Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold.
Richer than I you can never be –
I have a mother who read to me.”

@~@ Read with love
When we read to our children,
we are sending them a message of love:
“I love you and give you one of the most valuable gifts I have —
my time and uncompromising attention.”

@~@ Easy way : tell a story out of a book.

@~@ Reserve a regular time and place for reading together.
For my children, I set aside a minimum of 10 minutes per day (no matter how busy I am) for reading together.
This way, you can make reading a habit.

@~@ Allow your little ones to sit on your laps, to snuggle up to you.

@~@ Read s-l-o-w-l-y.

@~@ Read with animation : e.g. use different voices for different character.

@~@ Point to the / parts of the illustrations / visuals. Follow the text with your finger as you read.

@~@ Ask (stimulating / inspiring) questions. Remember that there is no right / wrong answer.

@~@ Allow your child to re-tell the story, can use the illustrations as aids.

@~@ Recreate the story through activities such as drawing, drama, music or role playing.

@~@ Reward your children when they identify good values, emulate / copy good behaviors from the characters in the stories.

@~@ Use the illustrations / visuals in the books to trigger imagination in storytelling.

@~@ For Chinese comprehension, insert a space in between words in sentences, just like white space in English sentences.

@~@ Visit library / attend storytelling sessions.

@~@ It’s OK to repeat. Children love stories that they wills still love them even if we read to them for more than 10 times.

More:
# email “2013 Parent-Child Reading & Brain-based Reading Strategies”
# Reading for children

Good luck!

If you find my post useful to you, please donate to me. Thank you very much!

Dear Dr Douglas Prasher, You are my Hero

A friend of mine who is a scientist shared with me about Douglas Prasher’s story. When I was a little kid, I consider the following careers very cool / glamorous / glorious : pilot, adventurers (e.g. Columbus, Everest), scientists, astronauts, … and many others.

However, my friend said that being scientists is not all glorious, there is no guarantee that one can meet one’s basic survival needs (according to the Maslow’s hierarchy) of food, clothes, shelter / home, even after one has done high quality work that deserves Nobel Prize like what happened to Douglas Prasher.

In brief, the Nobel Prize I am referring to is for the discovery and engineering of fluorescent proteins – molecules that can glow in the dark. Sound so fun!

The fluorescent proteins are powerful research tools and have become the foundation of a multimillion-dollar industry.

Prasher was not included among the Nobel laureates, as only 3 individuals can share a single Nobel Prize. “The glow of the GFP gene may have illuminated biology, but Prasher has remained in the shadows.” The humble ^ Laureate Martin Chalfie credited Prasher’s contribution:
“(Douglas Prasher’s) work was critical and essential for the work we did in our lab. They could’ve easily given the prize to Douglas and the other two and left me out.”

^ To share the best of the best to you dearest readers, I have carefully studied Nobel Laureates and summarize their strengths that worth emulating.

My friend J, who is also a scientist and used to work 7 days a week from 9 am to 11 pm daily, shared with me that there are sadly numerous unacknowledged contributions in science. She told me that a lady called Rosalind Franklin also deserves a Nobel Prize but she died too early. J told me that she cried reading the story of Prasher.

To quote discovermagazine, the vanishing act of Douglas Prasher “provides a glimpse into what it takes to flourish in modern-day science, where mentorship, networking, and the ability to secure funding can be as important as talent and intelligence.”

Dear aspiring scientists (especially graduate students), I hope that my sharing provide you with additional perspective. One of a leader of a science research institute sadly told me (in a chance encounter in a public transport) that in the past only the rich can do scientific research because they do not have to trade their time to earn a living. These people were for example the landlord who receive passive income ; they have the time (one of the most priceless commodity in the universe), the brain energy & physical energy to carry out scientific experiments.

He also shared with me about his personal experience, he was previously trained as a medical doctor (a career that may guarantee a better earning), but later switched to become a scientist. Few years down the road after he has children, he woke up in the middle of night sweating and worrying on how to finance his mortgage. The good news is his children are now grown-up.

Dear aspiring scientists, your professors and successful scientists you meet would rarely tell you such stories because they need workers. Graduate students are very cheap to the extent that they are free to the professors. You will rarely meet unsuccessful scientists because they are no longer around in the labs / meetings / conferences to warn you / to be naysayers for you who will eventually become successful scientists. Do not give up on your chosen career easily. After all, scientists will meet countless failures (positive people prefer to refer a failure as a learning experience) because they are at the frontier of discovery and innovation. You really need perseverance in the pursuit of science, science needs you, our world need you ; but one must not neglect what is entrusted to him by the Universe / the Creator / God, e.g. young children to feed, nurture, take care.

Dear aspiring scientists, do not be disheartened by what I share here because if you are really passionate about science, you want and you should give it your best, until you really meet dead ends. You can be like Douglas Prasher, to be humble and willing to take other kinds of jobs, including being a bus driver at $8.50 an hour. I respect bus drivers, they provide essential service to many people, and I personally rely on them often. I view them as my everyday heroes who courier me safely from a place to another. But to be honest, one who had worked as a scientist must have to endure the words of their past colleagues on becoming a bus driver. If you master the art of endurance, are willing to work hard and have integrity in life, no matter what you do / your career / job, you will have inner happiness, which is much more important than prestige (e.g. awards) / glamor. If you want to be successful in a particular career, perseverance * and resourcefulness ^ are essential.

* “Doug doesn’t have the ‘Goddammit, you’re not going to stop me’ attitude,” Ward says.”
^ “It was the kind of resourcefulness that Prasher seemed to lack.”

After all, there are many things that Prasher can be happy and grateful about: his supportive wife, his children, his home-grown vegetables & finally a return to science.

Dear my readers, all careers are similar in the chance of success; they just vary in the steepness of the climb. My kind friend shared that the climbing field for being successful scientists started relatively easy for students who have done well academically / with exceptional scholastic ability, but become very very steep toward the higher place(s).

Final reflection:
Let the (use) value that we bring to ourselves and others through our work / pursuit / career / vocation shine itself.
Do not pursue recognition / award as a goal because it is beyond our control.
Even one of the most deserving Nobel Prize winner – Gandhi, never receive it.

Dear Dr Douglas Prasher, thank you very much! You are my Hero!

Related:
http://discovermagazine.com/2011/apr/30-how-bad-luck-networking-cost-prasher-nobel
http://galette86.wordpress.com/2013/01/08/the-inspiring-story-of-douglas-prasher/
http://www.bio.purdue.edu/lab/leung/blog/?tag=douglas-prasher

If you find my writings are inspiring to you, please donate to me by clicking here.

How to read? 10 tips for children that are also applicable for adults

Reading & comprehension are essential skills for learning of all subjects.

To be an independent learners, our chidren / we
# must read CAREFULly.
# must have a good command of VOCABulary.
# must be able to make INFERENCEs.
# must minimize errors in GRAMMAR, SPELLING, & PUNCTUATION when writing review / reading journal / 读书心得.

Good readers are able to
# UNDERSTAND the text.
# THINK CRITICALLY about what the author has said, as the saying by Mencius goes "尽信书不如无书." We need an analytical mind.
# make CONNECTIONS / relate between the text and our own background knowledge / real life events.
# REFLECT upon the ideas given in the text.

Since reading is so essential,
how to read effectively, efficiently, and happily?

1. Reading must be meaningful.
Read with a purpose,
a question in mind,
then our children / we will be motivated.

2. Make reading a daily habit / routine / practice at home.

3. Visit libraries / book shops to get food for our minds like visiting market to get daily food for our bodies.

4. For young readers who have little background knowledge, unlike we adult, choose diverse, enjoyable, readable books.
Readable books refer to books that our children are able to read, not difficult books.
If the books are too difficult, children may get discouraged to enjoy reading.
When I was a little children, I made the mistake of trying to read tough classical books, and ended up not reading them because the rich vocabularies were too much for my little command of language at that time.

5. For your readers, parents can read aloud to them.

6. Consider also audio books / pre-recorded text in voicenotes.

7. STORY TELLING helps to develop listening & oral skills. Encourage our children to re-tell parts of story read, without making it sounds / feels like a hard test.
Soothing / angelic voice(e.g. J’s voice) helps.
Characters come to life when they have a voice, and sound effects are more compelling if they are convincing and audible.
Slow down at the key part.
The storyteller Neil Griffiths advices "Read aloud to them stories they love again and again!" I agree that repetition works.
Neil thinks that children can start listening to stories since they are in the womb!
In other words, unborn babies are never too young to enjoy listening to stories.
I also think that children never become too old for story time;
there is a child inside everyone of us.
If we can be child-like again,
even if our body has matured and aged, our soul will be happy!

8. Visualize the story.
Use photographic memory
to remember & recall the story / lesson.
A story can empower us with the ability
to dream, to dream imaginatively, to DREAM BIG.

9. Diarize our reflections / opinions / favorite parts from reading because developing both writing & reading skills does support each others.

10. Quiet room and peace / tranquility. If this is not possible, we can use ear pieces to listen to music that is suitable for reading. Supportive environment: neither too hot nor too cold.

If you find my writings are useful to you, please donate to me by clicking here.

Do not compare our boss, especially in front of him / her. A lesson from different breast milk colors

This is a sharing by a good friend of mine KW, with a permission (to share) from KW as long as I do not write her name.

She recently hired a confinement lady (called auntie in Singapore) recommended by her good friend RT, to help taking care of her baby.

In the first week of work,
Auntie seemed very nice,
especially to baby.
This made KW very satisfied.
Then,
in the second week,
Auntie started to compare KW (the current boss) with RT (the previous boss).

RT has a maid at home, whereas KW (the current boss) had no maid at home.
So Auntie has to help her with washing dish / baby bottles, washing baby clothes.
Auntie does not have to help with sweeping / mopping etc because KW hires a weekly cleaning lady.
Of course,
by default,
the working environment is more comfortable with RT than with KW (the current boss).

KW slightly complained to me that Auntie is relatively lazy.
KW does not mind cooking rice and soup for Auntie, because KW also eat the rice and the soup.
Initially before hiring, Auntie agreed to help cooking 1 soup / day,
soups are good for lactating mothers.
Auntie does not have to cook dishes, because KW orders tingkat for both KW and Auntie.

KW told me that she tried placing carrots & potatoes near the cooking pot.
But Auntie does not seem to take the signal (it is her duty to help peeling).
Then, next day KW tried more direct method:
writing a post-it note for e.g.
"Auntie, please help wash the vegetables, I will prepare the meat ball."
"Auntie, please do not stack up the bottles while sterilizing" (KW told me that her Avent bottle was damaged because Auntie stack an Avent cup on its inverted bottom, now both are sticking together, the plastic seems melted, and cannot be used).

Actually, Auntie is not very busy.
KW also takes care of her baby.
When Auntie is free and has enough rest,
Auntie will read books.
Few times, KW caught Auntie playing mobile phone and then pretended to play with baby when Auntie realizes that KW is around.
KW told me that she does not mind Auntie plays mobile phone when baby is not crying.
Auntie also locks the baby room.
Auntie does not open the door soon after knocking.
If I were KW, I will be worried.
My wise friend KW asked Auntie for the reason,
Auntie said she is afraid,
because KW rents a room to a (female) tenant.
Then, KW asked if Auntie locks the room,
can KW open with the key after knocking?

Personally, I think KW is a nice boss to work with.
She is polite and respectful.
She also treats Auntie well, give her welcome gifts.
She even told Auntie that it was her fault that the Avent bottle & cup were sterilized until sticking to each other, in fact it was Auntie fault.
Often, KW’s husband helps washing dishes, so Auntie does not need to do this.

Auntie also compares KW’s husband with RT’s husband.
No car vs has car (in the complain that KW does not go outing (kai-kai) as much as RT*).
No automatic light at KW’s home vs better condominium lighting system.
No maid vs has maid (to prepare breakfast, lunch, dinner for Auntie, to wash dishes, to wash baby clothes).

*KW told me that in her first outing to a shopping center, once they get down of taxi, Auntie immediately rushed to see clothes on sale, forgetting baby and KW.

Auntie compared KW’s baby with RT’s baby.
KW was telling Auntie to burp baby for longer period, because KW knows her baby needs burping to be comfortable, or else baby will cry.
Auntie insisted no need to do because RT’s baby no need burping.
Every baby is unique.

However, Auntie made a comparison about breast milk that upset KW.
KW’s breast milk is white in color & according to Auntie is not as yellow & creamy as RT’s breast milk.
Auntie told KW, "Your breast milk is not good in quality, unlike RT’s breast milk".

KW is particularly sensitive over breast milk.
Her first confinement lady threw away her breast milk so that she can feed baby with formula, until KW decided to confiscate the formula (previously KW has to supplement breast milk with formula).
I remember KW crying while telling me that she expressed her breast milk drops by drops every 2-3 hour,
enduring post-delivery pain and the lack of sleep.
She asked me to help her praying to God for giving her sufficient breast milk for her baby.
She said "every drop of breast milk counts",
reminds me on "谁知盘中餐,粒粒皆辛苦", and
inspires me to coin "谁知母亲奶,滴滴皆辛苦" for her .

Though unhappy and did not reveal it, KW was worried because of Auntie said about the color of breast milk.
So KW asked me to search about breast milk info over the internet.
KW also shared with me that she called Joyful Parenting and Breastfeeding 6488 0286,
and learned that
her white color breast milk (like the color of boxed cow milk for adults sold in supermarket fridge e.g. Farmhouse) is normal.
The staff also told her that if breast milk color is like barley is normal (though this contains mostly foremilk).

It is important to remember that breast milk colors may be different for different mothers.
Breast milk can be yellow (like RT’s breast milk) because of possible intake of multi vitamin (e.g. vitamin B, also present in whole grains, potatoes, bananas, lentils, chili peppers, tempeh, beans).

Breast milk colors may also change with the growth of the baby, to suit the baby’s need.

KW is a smart woman.
She tries to reason (with herself) that her baby is not crying due to hunger,
so her breast milk (though white in color) should be meeting the need of her baby.
She asked me for help.
She called a breastfeeding resource.
She did not directly confront and argue with Auntie.

I like KW,
she is not easily affected by others’ opinion,
though she takes input from others,
check them herself,
and make a decision for herself.

If you find my writings are helpful to you, please donate to me by clicking here.

Do not worry if your child(ren) are stubborn / strong-willed. 10 tips to make a positive use of their strong will

S shared with me an article from ahaparenting.

“Have a strong-willed child?
You’re lucky! Strong willed children can be a challenge to parent when they’re young, but if sensitively parented, they become terrific teens and young adults.
Self-motivated and inner-directed, they go after what they want and are almost impervious / unaffected to peer pressure. As long as parents resist the impulse to “break their will,” strong-willed kids often become leaders.”
It takes two to have a power struggle. You don’t have to attend every argument to which you’re invited!
If you can take a deep breath when your buttons get pushed, and remind yourself that you can let your child save face and still get what you want, you can learn to sidestep those power struggles.”
Blueroselady : S said this is also applicable to handle a big baby at her home.

It is important to know the difference between MORALITY / INTEGRITY & OBEDIENCE.
MORALITY / INTEGRITY is doing what’s right, no matter what you’re told.
OBEDIENCE is doing what you’re told, no matter what’s right.

1. Avoid power struggles by using ROUTINES and RULES.
2. Your strong-willed child wants MASTERY more than anything.
3. Give your strong-willed child CHOICES / alternatives.
4. Give her AUTHORITY over her own body.
5. Don’t push him into opposing you. Remember that : winning a battle with your child always sets you up to lose what’s most important: the relationship.
6. Side step power struggles by letting your child SAVE FACE.
7. LISTEN to her.
8. See it from his PERSPECTIVE.
9. Discipline through the relationship, never through punishment.
10. Offer him RESPECT and EMPATHY.

Blueroselady strives to treat her children as she wants to be treated (with respect, independence).

If you find my writings are helpful to you, please donate to me by clicking here.

How to survive in-laws and not end up out-laws? 8 strategies for Asian in-laws

Based on sharing of a few friends & acquaintances,
some parents in Asia cannot let go of their grown children.
Friction with in-laws can be a primary cause of stress in the early years of marriage.

Depending on each individual’s perception,
a word / sentence can be
well intentioned advice or
interfering / insensitive comment.

How to survive in-laws and not end up out-laws (in the context of Asian in-laws) ?
# If parents need to be confronted, agree that their own biological child, and not the son-in-law or daughter-in-law, do the talking.
# If in-laws are controlling, you can be PLEASANT, APPROPRIATE & FACTUAL.
# Invite in-laws to share a part in your parenting journey.
# DEFINE family friendly policies : holiday plans, home rules & boundaries with grandchildren.

# DO NOT SNUB / IGNORE your in-laws.
# DO NOT TRY TO WIN A BATTLE (e.g. via outwitting / out-talking your in-laws in a conflict) but you may end up losing the war (you risk losing the love and respect they have for you).
# DO NOT ERECT INVISIBLE FENCES to shut out your in-laws because this act only creates greater hostility.
# DO NOT MANIPULATE / POWER PLAY.

Marriage is a journey, not a destination

From my old green notebook given by Daddy F:
A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together,
it is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.
Dave Meurer, "Daze of Our Wives"

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.
Russian writer Leo Tolstoy
books2012.txt

Do you want to make your marriage more magical?
I want so much!

I have been learning many tips and would like to share with you who kindly visit Blueroselady WordPress.

Some daisy tips:
Send sexy looking lingerie to your partner as a gift.

Hand-make a gift for your loved one.
Help your loved one overcome his or her greatest fear to strengthen your relationship.

Plan your next honeymoon together.
Make a painting out of your favorite photo together.

Give your partner "massage" coupons, on your account.
Indulge your loved one with homemade ice cream.

Spend a day alone with your partner, with all communication devices turned off.
Slip a love note into your partner’s wallet or purse.

Give your loved one a gift each day for a whole week.
Surprise your spouse with breakfast in bed.

Recreate your first date with your spouse and re-live the magical moments.
Take a dancing class together and enjoy the physical proximity.

Spread a little sunshine by doing charity together.

How to enjoy the marital bliss?
Some serious tips are shared below from loving couples.
# Stay thankful for each passing day of love.
# Stay hopeful when challenges come.
# Stay faithful to the love of your life.
# Do not set unrealistic expectations.
# DO NOT COMPARE your spouse to others.
# Do not try to change your other half (unless his / her habits / attitudes / actions are damaging / destructive).
# Remember that every couple will experience conflict, but conflict is not necessarily bad and leads to destruction or warrants a break up.
# NEVER ever use the D word! Do not use divorce as a bargaining chip.
# When a party is angry / in wrath, agree to call time-out / calm down first, then discuss the issue later.
# Don’t start an argument with "You never … " or "You always …" because accusations only add fuel to the fire.
# Support his / her passion(s).
# Always communicate, TALK / SHARE about your feelings / experiences / things that matter most, even though if you are trapped in the rat race of work.
# GENTLE ANSWERS turn away wrath. Keep your tone, volume, body language calm & loving.
# SELF-CONTROL of your tongue not to say what you are thinking when your spouse speak; let him / her finish speaking.
# Guys, LISTEN attentively to your woman without judgment.
# Ladies, do not expect your man to mind-read & get your hints too much.
# Aware that routine helps couples to feel safe & secure, it is also very easy to cross the line from comfortable to complacent. Thus, remember not to neglect each other’s needs.

Spouse = soul mate = lover = partner.

Letter writing exercise:
To my wife
I love you because …
I appreciate you for …
I love it when you …
love,
[insert your name]

Financial tips for marriage:
# Shop around. Check prices around if you need to make a major purchase.
# Simplify, simplify, simplify. Declutter your life to downsize your material expectations & upsize your contentment in life.
# Categorize your shopping list according to necessities, desires, & absurdities. It trains your mind to focus / spend only on what is necessary.
# Resist impulse buying. Use wait-before-buying rule.
# Track every cent that you spend. Budget your expenditure. Use spreadsheet.

Marriage & children:
# Remember always that children are a gift to be treasured.
# Making your marriage work is the best gift to your children.
# Having children fulfills our instinctive needs to nurture, protect & love.
# Seek the JOY that comes from nurturing a new life.
Success in the workplace cannot replace the fulfillment that a healthy, growing family can give.
Postponing parenthood has a price, including a decrease in fertility as ones grow older.

see also:
How to survive in-laws and not end up out-laws?
How to build a marriage to last?
Marriage sharing by Blueroselady

If you find my writings are helpful to you, please donate to me by clicking here.

Family friendly malls in Singapore

Desirable criteria:
diaper-changing stations
kids’s urinals
hot water dispenser
nursing rooms (where mothers can breastfeed)
resting seats
power points (if need to use breast pump)

Additional desirable criteria:
groceries (Giant / NTUC Fairprice / Cold Storage)
baby shops (Kiddy Palace)
libraries

@~@ Causeway Point

@~@ City Square Mall
easily accessible from Farrer Park MRT Station (NE line).
offers compliment use of kiddy cabs and baby prams (ask from customer service).

@~@ Nex
rooftop water playground
small Serangoon Public Library in the mall

@~@ Plaza Singapura
Dhobby Ghaut MRT

@~@ Tangs

@~@ United Square
complimentary diapers, milk sachets, magazines are provided.
can loan pram.
Novena MRT

@~@ VivoCity

Below are ok lah …
@~@ Junction 8

@~@ Northpoint