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Posts Tagged ‘pray

Perseverance: why does it matter? Can perseverance be learned?

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People have focused on measuring cognitive skills such as intelligence.

However, others skills, beyond cognitive skills, contribute to human development and success.
A form of essential non-cognitive skills is perseverance / tenacity / grit.

"Never, ever, ever give up. Never give up. Never give up." ~ Winston Churchill, Battle of Britain.

Angela Lee Duckworth defines grit as "sticking with things over the very long term until you master them."
Her research results indicate that grit mattered more than intelligence, leadership ability or physical fitness.

People who are not as bright as their peers "compensate by working harder and with more determination." Good friends of mine such as KS and SL seem to belong to this group of people.

Napoleon Hill listed perseverance / persistence as the 8th step toward Riches.
Perseverance is the sustained effort necessary to induce faith.
Perseverance is based on the power of will.

Death is a sad event for many people.
I remember how I still felt sad when my grandmother passed away, after living a long life worth celebrating instead of mourning.
Death of those who are too young to die, is even more saddening for their parents.
I remember the severe heartache I felt when I lost my first brother,
and have since promised myself with great perseverance that I will live much longer than my parents,
so that the white hair do not have to bid farewell to the black hair (this is an Eastern saying).
Ideally, it is the black hair who bid farewell / bury their parents / grandparents (those with white hair and have lived long lives).
The story of Adrian Misic’s mother, Parto Khorsidi of perseverancefoundation.wordpress.com indeed, reminded me on the sorrow of my mother. She wrote perseverance "means to go on when nothing makes sense, when the pain of living is much larger than the fear of death."

We need perseverance not only when things go wrong, but also when things go right, so that we can push ourselves to learn more as highlighted by Jill Gough and kate Burton.
How far could and should we push ourselves?

In our spiritual lives, we must also persevere in prayer, like the persevering widow told in Luke 18:1-8. Andrew Murray, a famous 19th Century South African write, once said "Of all the mysteries of the prayer world, the need for persevering prayer is one of the greatest."
If we are discouraged, pray.
If we have lost heart, pray.
If we don’t know the way forward, pray.

Remember that persevering prayer activates our frontal lobes and anterior cingulate gyrus, resulting in increased compassion, memory function (through neuroplasticity), and stress reduction.

Perseverance is essential to sustain our lives, our marriages, our families, our work, our spiritual quest.

Other inspiring posts:
http://painfighter.wordpress.com/2013/09/21/quote-of-the-day-perseverance/
http://classicbookreader.wordpress.com/2013/08/01/the-tenacity-of-the-human-spirit/

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Written by blueroselady

November 1, 2013 at 2:35 pm

How to deal with abusive spouse? 6 loving tips to survive

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A real life story:
I was surprised by what my friend X has done on the 4th Sunday of June 2013.
She reported her spouse to the police for making repetitive threats that he will kill her.
The couple appears loving to me.
They are kind, charming, polite, educated people.

X and her spouse are from a Christian family,
and I know many loving Christian families
who endure hardship and have long lasting marriages.
However,
as one of the priests (whom I had the fortune to listen to) mentioned,
the Church comprises saints and evils.
Instead of naively believing everyone is good (人心本善),
my view is that,
no matter a person believes in a religion or not,
a person can have the potential to be good or bad.
What matter is to discover the potential to be good, be good and do good.

X shared with me that her spouse has been abusive to her,
she does not know if she is supposed to continue tolerating his actions.

According to BabyCenter,
domestic violence doesn’t have to be physical: it can also be psychological, sexual or financial.

People often assume that women (girlfriends / wives) who are abused come from disadvantaged or deprived communities, but middle-class women (like X) are abused too.

X told me that although she was fearful for her husband’s job,
she has gathered all courage to face the consequences of reporting her husband’s threats.

According to her, her spouse:

# threatens to divorce X, knowing that X wants to hold the family together.
I asked X if he did so only when he was angry at X, but he also did that after they have reconciled,
hence giving X emotional stress.
(X seems to be the bedrock of the marriage.
It is not easy to be the bedrock of a family, a society, a nation.)

# threatens that he will kill X.

# makes X apologize for many times, even after X thinks that they have reconciled over a disagreement / dispute. X’s spouse would want X to kneel for even small matter, which X did to appease him.

# threatens to bully their child.

# seems to be 斤斤计较 / petty-minded / selfish.
X’s spouse was unhappy if X is using laptop or appears to X’s spouse taking care of their child less.
I believe that no matter how superwoman a mother is,
a mother deserves a break.

X mentioned that her spouse argued that if he did not see her taking care of their child,
then it would not be considered as taking care of their child.
Many times, X quietly does the house chores and child caring beyond what they agreed upon.
Then, I learned that
X and he grew up in different family backgrounds.
X was raised in high discipline and independent setting,
whereas he was pampered and spoiled by his mother,
who does not mind being scolded "stupid", "fat pig" by his son.
X does not accept this because to her,
she owes a life to parents.
Such a lack of respect attitude of X’s spouse is perhaps a factor of why X’s spouse is abusive.

Reflection: in my experience, I observe that people who are stingy tend to be 斤斤计较.
Although being stingy and frugal is different,
there is only a fine line between them.
It is important to be aware of the difference.
We strive to be frugal but not stingy.

# often blames X for consequences that are also due to his behavior / actions.

If I am his friend, I will likely to get another perspectives.
However, I am a friend of X,
so many of my sharing will be based on X’s standing point.

Here are loving tips for victims / survivors like X:
1. Love.
Love yourself.
If you do not love yourself,
it is hard to love your children.
Only when you love yourself,
you can genuinely love your children and spouse.
If you do not love yourself,
you cannot love your enemy.

In my opinion, X’s spouse suffers from low self-esteem.
He does not love himself enough,
so he unleashes his built-up anger, resentment, frustrations to his wife,
because he knows that his wife is always forgiving him.

Forgiving is a virtue, but forgiving without loving yourself is not forgiving.
Loving yourself here does not mean being selfish.
Loving yourself means respecting yourself.
A mentor said,
although
(i) Matthew 5:43-48 writes
"Don’t resist violence! If you are slapped on one cheek, turn the other too."
(ii) "No, not seven times," answered Jesus, "but seventy times seven." Matthew 18: 21-22.
but if you cannot be (physically / emotionally) alive after being slapped (inclusive of being abused),
and you have the responsibility to be alive
for the sake of your aging parents and young children,
you are being selfish to them
for upholding what you believe in "false sense of forgiving".
Moreover,
although you aspire to be like your role models (e.g. Saints),
you are just a human being.

2. Pray.
Pray in the morning when you wake up and at night before your sleep.
Daily prayers really help.
Praying is a form of believing,
the law of belief works.

The family that prays together stays together
.
Praying together allows you to communicate with each other.

3. Seek family help.
X told me that she has been informing her spouse’ parents on the repetitive threats,
but they told X that he was joking.
Some jokes are not funny.
His family seems to tolerate his abusive behaviors to X.

On a side note,
X feels sorry for her parents in law,
because they are among the nicest to X.
They love to offer buying her food,
but perhaps very kind parents who do everything for their children,
may result in children who take things (including people) for granted.
X is wise enough not to blame her parents in law,
because we are all victims of victims.
X shared with me that her mother in law lost her father in her early childhood,
so she showered all his love to X’s spouse.

Indeed, according to BabyCenter,
it is not true that all men who are violent have grown up in violent homes.
Honestly, I want to have parents in-law like X’s parents-in law, but not a spouse like X’s spouse.

4. Seek spiritual / religious supports.
Personally,
I believe in God and a religion,
so it helps me in my daily life.
A friend who had a severe accident (she ended up wheelchair bound) also found serenity in religion.

Marriage is a major event in human life,
so when one’s marriage is shaken,
it is natural to feel insecure.
But,
human beings have the capacity to harness our inner security / inner peace.

In the case of X,
X told me that she had tried to seek religious helps.
She went to counseling at church,
but he refused to go.

Before their marriage,
X told me that they attended Marriage Preparation Course,
and things seemed OK at that time.
Both proceeds to the marriage at their own free will.

There are also other spiritual supports.
Louise Hay suggests us to repeat,
"All my relationships are harmonious."

X was a migrant from a developing country,
who struggled since her early life,
although she has evolved into an educated woman,
I sense that she still have some traces of feelings of unworthiness / a belief that she is unlovable,
that’s why she attracted her abusive spouse.

Fortunately, X is aware of it and is working hard to change herself.
She is indeed lovable.
She recalled her spouse asked why she wants to get married with him,
given her good qualities.

The good news is
when we change ourselves (change our habits / beliefs / behaviors),
the other person will change or
he will leave our lives.

5. Seek legal supports.
This is what X did by reporting her abusive husband to the police.

If there is an immediate threat to your life, call 999.
Otherwise, a police report can be lodged at any Neighbourhood Police Centre (NPC).

In family violence cases, the Police is concerned with the following:
(i). The safety of the victim / any physical injuries?
(ii). With the consent of the victims, the Police will also refer them to the relevant Family Service Centres or Crisis Shelters for assistance.
(iii). If they wish to seek further legal protection, they will be advised to apply for a Personal Protection Order from the Family Court.
(iv). Where warranted, the Police will take action to prosecute the perpetrator.

6. Seek social supports.
A social worker told me,
after listening to many problems of people,
if you put your problem into a pile where others also put their problems,
and you have to take a problem,
you will definitely choose to take yours back and not others.

However, if your life is being threatened,
you must take actions to protect yourself and your children.

You can call / visit the Family Service Centre near your home if you need help or advice, or if you just need to talk to someone.

If you find my post useful to you, please donate to me. Thank you!
If you are a victim of domestic violence,
I pray for you to regain harmonious relationships.

Written by blueroselady

June 24, 2013 at 10:40 am

How to live a healthy life? 17 simple tested tips

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1. Rest well. Sleep 6-8 hours daily.

2. Live a life of integrity, so that you can sleep well at night.

3. Master the art of how to stop worrying, so that you can sleep well at night.
Many years ago, I found the simple tips by Dale Carnegie help.
I have added more tips to my arsenal,
and will share about it more.

4. Know when & how to say NO to unnecessary activities / requests.

5. Remember “Those who mind don’t matter, those who matter don’t mind.
Beware of culture-driven narcissism.

6. Remember “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me
Example:
When my good friend L was serving in Students’ Union, she gave her best to serve the students as an act of gratitude.
L was from a relatively poor family but fortunately she received full scholarhsip and some living allowance, so she was highly motivated to give back to other fellow students.
Sadly, her predecessor (in Students’ Union) scolded her ‘lackey’ / ‘running dog’.
Later she realized that her predecessor was just a man who was hungry for power, loved to drink excessive alcohol, and did not care of others.
No need to care about his word.
I personally found L an inspiring leader.
She was willing to help her subordinates much more beyond what her predecessor did.

7. Pray to say your gratitude and aspirations / hope.

8. Forgive.
The most forgiving person I have ever known: Jesus.
When you want to forgive someone (but still feel the hurt inside), remember Jesus.

9. Harbor no intention to harm others.
害人之心不可有,防人之心不可无.
If you have been erred, the best revenge is success.

10. Eat more vegetables and fruit; eat less red meat.
Tips:
cook rice with some healthier choices e.g.
sweet potatoes
carrot
pumpkin

11. Eat home cooked food.
Honestly, cooking can consume a lot of time.
On Vesak Day of 2013, I spent my time from 10am – 4 pm going to shop for groceries, washing, peeling, cutting, and cooking.
Yes, I do take a time out for brunch, feeding and bathing my child.
But, it consumed 25% of my time.
My strategy to cope:
do not cook on continuous days,
if possible cook on alternate days.

12. Try your best to pass motion daily.
When the diaper of my first son was wet,
it was more difficult for him to relax and pass motion, regardless that I train him to pass motion.
That is why he loved to pass motion after I just changed his diaper.

13. Stroll / walk, breathe in fresh air @ park / natural reserves / gardens / beaches. Nature heals!
If you have a dog, you can walk your dog.

14. Reframe your perspectives of doing house chores as a form of exercises.

15. While you pursue the tangible, cherish the intangible.
At the end of the day, it is the intangible (love, happiness, health, harmony / peace) that matters.
However,
to have the intangible,
one must have the tangible : money (e.g. to travel / to learn / to buy), achievements (e.g. degree, career promotion, sales record), materials (e.g. nutritious food, warm clothings, safe home / luxurious bungalow).
Solution?
1. Prioritize.
2. Practice the art of balancing.

16. Write to yourself.
Read
http://goinswriter.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/The-Writers-Manifesto.pdf
Keep a diary / journal.
Reflect.
This helps to prioritize.

17. Create for yourself & share it to others.
My simple definition of “create” include
think of ideas.
write your ideas down.
do it (e.g. experiments / cooking / dance).
design products.
photograph your creation.
make audios of your ideas & creations (e.g. if your idea is in the form of song / poem / speech).
make videos of your ideas & creations.
make presentations (using e.g. powerpoint).
invent / innovate business ideas / business models.
the list goes on

and most importantly
share them to the world with your greatest LOVE!
Honestly, the act of creating makes me so happy.

If you find my writings are useful to you, please donate to me by clicking here.

Written by blueroselady

June 15, 2013 at 3:03 pm

Dear baby, welcome to the highly competitive world! Being creative is better than being competitive

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Dear baby

Do you know that there are courses out there that keep on telling Mommy “teach your baby or toddler [insert any of these: to Read / Math / Music]”? To accelerate the rat race, the advertisement goes “You can start when your baby is 3 months old.”

Yes, Mommy started to teach you things that Mommy thinks as necessary, such as praying, sign language, idioms, texture exercise, mirror exercise to increase self-worth / self-love and awareness of body parts, vowel exercise. You responded by happily producing sounds that Mommy still does not understand: baby language.

When Mommy told a friend, he said that Mommy is highly . competitive. However, Mommy thinks that it is good & essential to introduce you the joy of learning early in life. Since you received a lot of (second-hand) toys and was given a few new toys, Mommy will not buy you any toys. We are a frugal family and Mommy wants to save for more important things for your, e.g. healthy fruits & vegetable. However, Mommy shares with you the joy of our world through play in the nature (including parks / beaches / hills / mountains / lakes) enforced with powerpoint slides to help you remember the words, beautiful books, shopping groceries in the supermarkets / markets (Yes, the markets are your playground).

Sometimes, Mommy wonders if Mommy if a competitive person. Recently, Mommy learned from Uncle W that being creative is better than being competitive; and Mommy thinks that Mommy is a creative, instead of a competitive person. Do you know what are the differences between being competitive and being creative? Mommy will write another post in the near future.

Since you are my dearest, Mommy aspires to gives you only the Best that Mommy can afford to nurture creativity, independence, and happy learning in you since your early days.

In fact, Mommy acknowledges that Mommy learned and shared a lot to you through voice notes about many lifelong skills while being pregnant with you. That perhaps explains why you are a happy baby, as observed by Aunt Flower who helped to care for you when Mommy was too weak to carry you around.

Mommy wants you to grow in a happy, healthy, harmonious baby, toddler, child, and then adult. They said it takes 10 years to grow a tree, 100 years to nurture a human being (十年树木,百年树人).

Mommy happily takes on this challenge. Mommy feels that while nurturing you, Mommy also benefits because Mommy has a chance to learn new things that Mommy did not learn as a kid, and re-learn beautiful things that Mommy has experience.

May your life be abundant with joy, happiness and generosity.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Readers, if you find my writings are inspiring to you, please donate to me by clicking here.

Written by blueroselady

March 31, 2013 at 7:18 am

Pregnancy challenges me

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This post was post-dated.
I wrote below almost 4 weeks since conception / fertilization.
Pregnancy makes me super tired. All I want is to rest and to eat. After I eat, I feel like vomitting (fortunately none come out).
I lie on sofa more often than ever.
I do not feel like going to work, but I have to earn a living (and make some progresses before my maternity leaves).
Fatigue is possibly due to dramatic rise of progesterone.
Beware that fatigue can also be a symptom of iron-deficiency anemia.

I also had dreams every night while sleeping.
Some dreams are scary.
Now, between midnight and 2 am I will wake up to go washroom.
I will always wake up at night at least once, even if I drink very little before sleeping.

Pregnancy makes my olfactory sense and taste buds super sensitive.
Now plain water tastes weird.
I dislikes plain water.
Everything I eat left some smells lingering in my mouth.
The smell of the refrigerator makes me want to vomit.

Pregnancy drives overwhelming production of phlegm.
Help!

Pregnancy lowers my immune system.
I suffered from viral-associated fever until 38.8 C. Worried!
I suffered from infection.
But, I will be strong for the sake of our baby.
I also suffered from diarrhea.
5x in a day since early 5 am.
Again, I will be strong and persevered for the sake of our baby.

I decided not to go for voluntary activity in a hospital.
I will wait until my immune system increases.

I am invited twice overseas.
These selections are likely to be helpful for my career, yet for the sake of our baby, I decide to give them a miss.
My partner is worried about radiation of taking flight.
After all, our baby was conceived overseas, so our baby was once exposed when I returned, but we can strive to minimize air travel.
I am also worried about luggage, pregnant women are not supposed to carry heavy stuff.
Bye traveling! Bye being a globetrotting young lady! Welcome to the world of motherhood.

All these I am willing to endure for the safety and health of our baby.
Our baby is healthy, happy and I will safely deliver him to this world.
Our baby is strong in mind, body, and soul.
We pray to St Jude for protecting our baby.
We pray Novena.

Written by blueroselady

September 23, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Lent reflections 2012

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Who are the PROPHETS of today?

Think of those who are unafraid to say the hard truths for the sake of justice and the common good.

We live in an environment that teaches us to survive by looking after ourselves.

In our modern situation, it is often not practical to be naive, and recklessness can easily invite disasters of many kinds.

Being kiasi (afraid to die) can keep us realistic in tending to our own welfare.

Sometimes our faith calls us to encounter little ‘deaths’ in our ordinary life.

Choose to pray that God be glorified through whatever happened.

John 12:24

Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies,

it remains a single grain;

but if it dies,

it bears much fruit.

Solution of kiasi:

death is necessary for resurrection.

Jesus showed us that even death cannot separate us from Your love.

2 Corinthians 8:7

Just as you excel in everything – in faith,

in speech, in knowledge …

see that you also excel in this grace of giving.

Written by blueroselady

April 15, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Posted in God

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Summer 2011 Prayer

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Our father is heaven
Thank you for loving us so deeply
Please help us to always remember that we are CHILDREN of GOD
We were born to make manifest the Glory of God – unique GIFTS that God gives us
Thank you for giving us an opportunity to learn and contribute through our research studies
Please guide us in our home, occupation, and aspiration
Please help us to be DETERMINED, DISCIPLINED and DILIGENT in our life so that we can do YOUR WILL
Please help us as a pair of lovers to together contribute the fruits of HARMONY, INDUSTRY, CHARITY and THRIFT
We seek Your FORGIVENESS and please help us to forgive those who have sinned against us
Please help us to think thrice before we talk so that we will not hurt others
Please grant our family and loved ones HAPPINESS, HEALTH and HARMONY
Please HEAL us and our loved ones who are ill
Mother Mary, all angels and saints, please pray for us
Amin

Written by blueroselady

June 23, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Posted in God

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