From relationships to connection capital: give relevant & valuable advice

According to Brother Michael, connection capital is anything that can help you expand your network of connections. Seth Godin refers to connection capital as your ‘tribe’.

How to get the snowball rolling when you don’t even have a pebble of snow?
How to use our network to grow our network when we don’t have a network yet?

Eben Pagan believes that most people spend most of their time worrying about these three areas of life: money, relationship, and health.
Brother Michael concludes that very few people have all there of these areas as they like.

Even the more successful (as deemed by society) than us do struggle with at least one area about which we know more than they do.
Nobody can know everything.
The more successful people are also humans, and humans have problems.

If we can give relevant & valuable advice,
we can be a ‘trusted adviser’ to people whom we want to connect with.
Being a trusted adviser to the successful people is one of the most powerful ways to become successful yourself.

When you give, do not focus your attention on the hope to get something in return.
Give with absolutely zero expectation of getting anything in return.
Do not expect gratitude.
Simply be grateful for the opportunity to help someone.

We do not give advice immediately,
it is no difference from uninvited lecturing / preaching.

Instead, find creative ways to serve people.

We can start by asking these questions:
1. What’ most exciting / interesting for you right now in your life / business?
2. What’s challenging for you in your life / business right now?

In a social event (e.g. cocktail party, dinner party), ask about their life.
In a business event (e.g. conference, networking event. talk, symposium), ask about their business.

Tips: Be extremely tactful in bringing up some topics (e.g. weight) up.

Below are areas where we can often give valuable advice to (and therefore greatly serve) people who are more powerful and successful (according to societal standard) than we are:
# food, weight, & nutrition
# health & exercises
# purpose & meaning
# hobbies & causes e.g. photography, education, meditation, philosophy, massage, travel (Yes, I have been to numerous places worldwide!)
# relationships. Brother Michael have met many notable businessman and businesswomen who are so control freaks that they are worried of the vulnerability involved in opening their heart. That’s why it’s called ‘falling’ in love for a reason, grinned.
# marketing & sales
# domain expertise

Read more:
# The Education of Millionaires by Michael Ellsberg.
With the inflated cost of formal education, I must develop real-world skills highlighted in this informal book for myself and my own children.

6 Inspirations from David Ash to survive & strive in real life roller coaster

Thank you to Michael Ellsberg (the author of The Education of Millionaires)
for introducing me to David J. Ash
& telling his story
on how mastering the art of selling
has allowed him to help people.

David has bought a boarding house that he has turned into The Vivian: a transitional housing for at-risk, chronically homeless women living with concurrent mental illness, addiction and other challenges (severe sexual / physical abuse).

The Vivian is located in the middle of Downtown Eastside of Vancouver,
1 of the poorest & most crime-ridden neighbourhoods in North America.

Many times,
people have positive perceptions on Vancouver,
one of the most liveable cities worldwide
in terms of safety, education,
hygiene, health care,
culture, public transportation,
but not cost of living!

However, based on my limited experience of living in Vancouver,
and having done a bit of voluntary work at Downtown Eastside,
I am aware of the dire circumstances of people living there.

To quote David,
“These people could be our sisters or mother.
We should not be too quick to judge these people.”

The main inspiration of David for setting up the Vivian is his own mother.
His mother Vivian Grace Ash
died alone on the streets
in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada.

I still remember my friend HW
who grew up in the tropical region
remarked that
it is extremely challenging to be poor & living on the streets in Canada,
because of the cold weather.

At that time (in 1999),
David wanted to help his mother but he could not.
Fast forward ~ a decade later,
David have the capacity (his new-found wealth) to help women like his mother,
and he is deeply committed to it.

Although at a particular point of our lives,
we cannot help someone whom we love,
instead of blaming ourselves,
or burying ourselves in regret,
we can focus on giving / helping other people.
(Inspiration #1)

The story also reminds me on
how the rail-road tycoon Leland Stanford
founded the Stanford University in 1891
in memory of his son who died at 15 years old.
The founder’s vision of
“The children of California shall be our children”
has contributed to the birth
of a world-class university.

David’s and Leland’s stories indeed illustrate
老吾老以及人之老 幼吾幼以及人之幼
which literally means to honor old people as we do our own aged parents, and care for other’s children as one’s own.
(Inspiration #2)

When David was 12 years old,
his mother suffered from nervous breakdowns,
frequented the psychiatric wards,
attempted to commit suicide,
left home,
& finally ended up on the streets.

David ended up dropping out in grade 11 of high school.
He moved to Ottawa to take on a job as a pot scrubber,
which Michael refers as a dead-end job.
Most people will think that this is the end.
On average, drop-outs do worse in life
than people who complete their formal education.
However, remember that everything popular is not always right.
(Inspiration #3)

David’s life changed when he met a real estate salesman in Ottawa
who encouraged him to be a real estate salesman.
David committed to passing the course to be a real estate salesperson,
his first educational endeavour in his life.
Every day,
David studied & revised,
made his own notes.
“I studied 4x harder than most of my classmates who were mature adults.
Many were educated professionals with university degrees”

David passed the course &
got a sales job at Century 21.
He had a revival and has since believed in positive mental attitude.

You can do something with your life,
no matter who you are,
no matter where you are from,
no matter what your background,
if you work hard,
as mentioned by Napoleon Hill in Think and Grow Rich,
& many similar books.
(Inspiration #4)

David became committed to self-teach himself
motivation & success,
through books, seminars, workshops.

David learned & mastered the craft of sales,
in real estate,
in life insurance sales.
In his 20s,
he was earning $100,000 annually!

However,
he became bankrupt at the age of 29,
because he did not manage his spending & saving.

He learned his lesson,
started to save 10% of his income.
invested it for the future,
by purchasing a little rental property,
& now he owns office buildings, retail centres & a huge hockey arena.
(Inspiration #5)

David’s life sounds like a roller coaster,
yet many people love roller coaster
(that’s why theme parks are always popular)
but to survive the real-world roller coaster
it takes hard work, discipline, resilience, & perseverance.
(Inspiration #6)

I pray for David (& many people like him)
to have a happy ending for his life story,
unlike his mother.

How to live a healthy life? 17 simple tested tips

1. Rest well. Sleep 6-8 hours daily.

2. Live a life of integrity, so that you can sleep well at night.

3. Master the art of how to stop worrying, so that you can sleep well at night.
Many years ago, I found the simple tips by Dale Carnegie help.
I have added more tips to my arsenal,
and will share about it more.

4. Know when & how to say NO to unnecessary activities / requests.

5. Remember “Those who mind don’t matter, those who matter don’t mind.”
Beware of culture-driven narcissism.

6. Remember “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”
Example:
When my good friend L was serving in Students’ Union, she gave her best to serve the students as an act of gratitude.
L was from a relatively poor family but fortunately she received full scholarhsip and some living allowance, so she was highly motivated to give back to other fellow students.
Sadly, her predecessor (in Students’ Union) scolded her ‘lackey’ / ‘running dog’.
Later she realized that her predecessor was just a man who was hungry for power, loved to drink excessive alcohol, and did not care of others.
No need to care about his word.
I personally found L an inspiring leader.
She was willing to help her subordinates much more beyond what her predecessor did.

7. Pray to say your gratitude and aspirations / hope.

8. Forgive.
The most forgiving person I have ever known: Jesus.
When you want to forgive someone (but still feel the hurt inside), remember Jesus.

9. Harbor no intention to harm others.
害人之心不可有，防人之心不可无.
If you have been erred, the best revenge is success.

10. Eat more vegetables and fruit; eat less red meat.
Tips:
cook rice with some healthier choices e.g.
sweet potatoes
carrot
pumpkin

11. Eat home cooked food.
Honestly, cooking can consume a lot of time.
On Vesak Day of 2013, I spent my time from 10am – 4 pm going to shop for groceries, washing, peeling, cutting, and cooking.
Yes, I do take a time out for brunch, feeding and bathing my child.
But, it consumed 25% of my time.
My strategy to cope:
do not cook on continuous days,
if possible cook on alternate days.

12. Try your best to pass motion daily.
When the diaper of my first son was wet,
it was more difficult for him to relax and pass motion, regardless that I train him to pass motion.
That is why he loved to pass motion after I just changed his diaper.

13. Stroll / walk, breathe in fresh air @ park / natural reserves / gardens / beaches. Nature heals!
If you have a dog, you can walk your dog.

14. Reframe your perspectives of doing house chores as a form of exercises.

15. While you pursue the tangible, cherish the intangible.
At the end of the day, it is the intangible (love, happiness, health, harmony / peace) that matters.
However,
to have the intangible,
one must have the tangible : money (e.g. to travel / to learn / to buy), achievements (e.g. degree, career promotion, sales record), materials (e.g. nutritious food, warm clothings, safe home / luxurious bungalow).
Solution?
1. Prioritize.
2. Practice the art of balancing.

16. Write to yourself.
Read
http://goinswriter.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/The-Writers-Manifesto.pdf
Keep a diary / journal.
Reflect.
This helps to prioritize.

17. Create for yourself & share it to others.
My simple definition of “create” include
think of ideas.
write your ideas down.
do it (e.g. experiments / cooking / dance).
design products.
photograph your creation.
make audios of your ideas & creations (e.g. if your idea is in the form of song / poem / speech).
make videos of your ideas & creations.
make presentations (using e.g. powerpoint).
invent / innovate business ideas / business models.
the list goes on
…
and most importantly
share them to the world with your greatest LOVE!
Honestly, the act of creating makes me so happy.

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"Do It Anyway" poem by Mother Teresa

Over two years ago, I posted this poem by Mother Teresa, and today I encountered this poem again through DZ. Ideas and questions that come back to you again and again may mean something worth pursuing, this is a sign from the nature / God for me.

Do It Anyway

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

How do you define success?

Our definitions matter.
I used to form my definition based on what I read from the media, what I heard from my teachers / friends.
Now, I have my own definitions, unshakable by transient things that I experience (see, hear).

Here are examples of how different people define success.

"Success is when I have cash, credit cards, condominium, cars, club memberships, career."
Blueroselady’s comment: Though this definition sounds materialistic, money is important things to have. On its own, money is neutral, but no money also means no honey (no enablers / enhancers for happiness). Think about how we perceive money.

"I am successful when others start feeling jealous of what I achieve."
Blueroselady’s comment:
We must be humble to prevent others from getting jealous towards us.
We must learn to be free from envy / jealousy.

"Success is when I attain my goals, or else I am a failure."
Blueroselady:
1. An occassional loss does not make one a loser. To quote the British politician Winston Churchill, "Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."
2. There is no failure, only feedback (that our strategies have not worked). We must change our strategies, be flexible.

"Success is when I have attempted to succeed, irrespective of whether I achieve my goals or not."
Blueroselady: People who hold this belief are indeed the support of the society, they are COURAGEOUS to try regardless of the risks.

According to Seth Godin, success means that one is becoming an indispensable LINCHPIN, instead of a dispensable employee who is easily outsourced, downsized, or freelanced into obscurity. Remember that corporations (and other entities e.g. countries that work like corporations) will not take care of you for a lifetime. Start to take care of yourself now. Be self-sustainable.

"Success is when I learn something even from my failures."
Blueroselady:
1. never stop learning. This is one of the strategies to be a linchpin.
2. failure should not be promoted, but we accept it as a part of life that enables us to grow and develop into a better human being. For example, 7 out of 10 entrepreneurs fail, we know this statistic (from Morten Lund, an investor of Skype), but we should not encourage ourselves to be one of the 7 who fail.

"Success is when I fail to achieve my goals and yet continue to live life with the same zest and zeal."

"Success is when I leave this world with satisfaction that I have lived my life, irrespective of my failure to achieve any prestigious post in the society."

How do you define success?

Related:
How to achieve inner strength?
How do you perceive money and wealth?

What is next? the art of detachment

A mentor from Singapore sent me a transcript by Dr Richard Teo Keng Siang.
He was a 40-year-old millionaire and cosmetic surgeon with a stage-4 lung cancer.

Below are what I learned from the sharing which I integrate with my growing thoughts.

Medical aesthetic is a growing field. Richard viewed his patients (sources of income) as vain women, but I empathize with women with low self-esteem. Some people simply do not have the opportunity to grow their inner strength, to detach from the influence of media that worships celebrities and the superficial opinions of other people around them. Sadly, the other people can include parents, spouse, lover, and friends. I remember how my mother’s sister suggested that I should go for a surgery. I was just a primary school kid, and her words did hurt me. Fortunately, I did not listen to her! Later in life, I learned that my attribute is desirable by men whom I am attracted to. Of course, there are also people who have not grown to the stage to accept themselves as a gift from universe. I do not mean to judge, but I respect that different people have different perspectives in life.

A good friend is a gift.
Richard’s friend, Danny offered to extract Richard’s wisdom teeth, went for a 2-day fast for Richard’s recovery.
Danny is a man that goes all the way for his friend.
I want to be like Danny for my friends.

Hebrews 12:7-8
"Endure hardship as discipline as God is treating you as His children"

Cancer patients told Richard that many times, people tell them to stay positive.
But those people do not have the same experience as the cancer patients.
However, Richard, being a cancer patient himself, has the license to encourage cancer patients.
While we have positive intentions to encourage people, sometimes our words / actions may not be received well.
Sometimes ago, I volunteer to work with cancer patients. A lady told me that she needs not help after finding out what my profession is. I felt slightly discouraged, but I respect her perspective.
I also remember when I wish someone "Good Luck", and she said "no need".
Similarly, we often hear angry mothers telling their husband "you will never understand the pain of labor".
In contrast, in countries like Singapore and Switzerland, we also hear angry men telling their women "I have to waste n years of my life doing military services, while you enjoy faster progress in education and career".

It is important to have a trust / belief / faith. For Richard, Danny, Blueroselady, and many people, this includes the belief in God. There are people who do not believe in the religious God, but the act of respecting nature / universe, is a form of belief as well.

It is important to love and make service / contribution to others.
To quote Lusi Lim, "while we are celebrating the glory of human success, we must not forget: One day, our wealth, fame and power will all become irrelevant because it will all come to an end…"

According to Richard, many people are blessed with good wealth, but cannot handle them. The more people have, the more people want.
According to Matthew 19:23, Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven."
Hard does not mean impossible.
In the mass that we attended on the same day we celebrated our anniversary, I learned from the priest that church teaching does not forbid us to accumulate private property, but we must not be attached to our materialistic wealth.
Therefore, Blueroselady strives to master the art of detachment.
Wealth on its own is neutral, but the master of the wealth can use it for different purposes, e.g. to build hospitals, schools, to help the poor versus to show off by purchasing lavish luxury things (cars, bungalows / villas).
Moreover, there are also different kinds of wealth, we need to achieve a balance in acquiring each aspect of wealth.
Too much focus on materialistic wealth may compensate the growth of spiritual and wisdom wealth.
If one has dependants e.g. children and old parents / relatives without sufficient social security, a total neglect on the acquisition of materialistic wealth (in the basic form of money) is also against our God-planned purpose.

Focus on strengths more, fix weaknesses less

We have been conditioned (trained / taught) to focus about our weaknesses.
For example,
1. parents scan the report cards of their children to focus on subjects their children need improvement, the failing grades are written in red, screaming for attention. Fortunately, my parents did not bother to look at my report cards.
2. teachers mark our homeworks, assignments, and exam papers with red inks. They do nothing on the correct answers, but our errors are marked with crosses.
3. bossses discuss on our weaknessess at annual performance review.
4. media loves to report stories of people who overcome their weaknesses to achieve great things.

Have we ever stopped to realize that focusing our strengths is more productive than improving our weaknesses?
Both Tim Ferriss and Chu Chin-Ning (whose books I read in autumn 2012) advocate us to focus on our strengths.

Yes, we can improve our weaknesses, but at slower pace.
The end results may be slight improvement, yet still mediocre.

Types of strength:
achiever / has stamina to work long hours
intellect / thinking
strategic / intuitive
futuristic / what can one does
relater / can relate with people
belief / has strong core values that one wil not compromise / stubborn

Note that a strength can also be a weakness, depending on the situations.

Remember that:
1. the key to success is to work with the way God designed us, focus on our strengths.
2. combine our strengths to create synergy and achieve greatness.
Many people may share the same individual strength as ours, but a combination of strengths shapes our uniqueness and identity, makes us outstanding if we can unleash the synergistic effects.
3. There are always abundance of opportunities for our particular combination of strengths. Jobs that do not make use of our strengths, require things that we are not strong in, are exhausting. If we have tried our best and still do not see desirable results, perhaps it is time to change jobs / career.
4. Every knife requires sharpening, similarly we must hone our strengths with knowledge, skills, and practice.

How not to listen to non-constructive criticism?

This article is inspired by John Gurdon’s experience on criticism. He received Nobel prize in 2012. Though I have never met him, I counted a blessing that in a period of my life, I walked / cycled passed the Gurdon Institute (named after him) regularly.

An Eton teacher of John Gurdon wrote that the then 15-year-old John Gurdon wouldn’t listen, couldn’t learn simple biological facts and, horror of horrors, "insisted on doing work in his own way". In one test, Gurdon scored a miserable two out of 50.

The report made John Gurdon disheartened, but fortunately one of John Gurdon’s early decision on not to listen to non-constructive criticism indeed played an important role in his subsequent research work, including the discovery that mature cells can be converted to stem cells (and ended up winning a Nobel prize).

How not to listen to non-constructive criticism?

1. Be prepared that in life, no matter what we do (including noble actions), some people will criticize us. To protect ourselves against these peace robbers, we can
# enhance our inner strength by reminding / focusing ourselves on our strength
# have a thick face

2. Be aware of the reasons why people give non-constructive criticism

# jealousy and justification attempt. They are jealous of our achievements and attempt to gain self-importance by criticizing us. They justify themselves at the expense of us. Do not fear those who criticize us because of their jealousy. Perhaps, those who criticize us suffer from low self-esteem and meet their need of having self-importance by criticizing, instead we can be kind by giving them empathy and sympathy.

# ignorance and inexperience. For example, you want to attempt a new venture and you seek advices from people around you. Those who never start up a company or those who have failed will project their fear and criticize you. Do not listen to these naysayers. Instead, consult those who have successfully achieved what you want to achieve.

3. Be mindful of your perspective (mind), emotions, and body

# Must be able to see the BIG PICTURE
When I was a primary and junior high school student, I accept the fact that teachers are role models. I did not question their authorities. They were the grown-ups with more knowledge and wisdom than me who was only a fledgling individual. I did not realize that teachers are also human beings, subjected to human conditions (both positive and negative attributes). Few of my teachers had ego and misused their authorities. They criticized students who refused to follow them, e.g. if a student refused to learn bad words, he would be labeled as self-righteous. Fortunately, I moved to a better school and I learned a lot from my kind teachers – those who teach for the passion of teaching and nurturing the next generation more than for earning an income (of course everyone has to earn a living). Looking back, those teachers who criticized things I thought as right, did no longer matter.

Then, when I started my study in a famous place, an unhappy professor told me that the only reason I went there was because of the fame. Well, while that reason honestly contributed to my decision, I had bigger reasons why I fought all my ways to gain admission there. At that time, when such a professor with his authority / power and perceived superiority (in knowledge, ability, etc) said such things to students, the impact could be huge. However, I did not listen to him. I shifted my focus to my purpose (FOCUS ON YOUR PURPOSES). I managed to work with more successful (and more generous and kinder) professors, produced results, and graduated. My mentor CNC loves to say that success is always the sweetest revenge (without harming our past offenders).

My learning journey then brought me to meet inspiring entrepreneurs. In some aspects, I look up to entrepreneurs who create jobs for many people and excellent products / services with great values, more than to professors who care only about their tenure, publications, and self-importance in their fields (of course, there are always kind professors, I was fortunate to meet and work with few of them). My experience with the entrepreneurs unleash an inner desire of me: to be an entrepreneur. That is why I am working everyday to prepare myself for my venture, to provide values to my customers. I believe that I will be invited to teach / give talks at universities because of my expertise, instead of having to apply and fight for limited faculty positions.

To summarize, I have met more people and seen the world, my perspectives have changed. When you climb a mountain, your standpoint / perspective has elevated, you can see wider and hence the bigger picture.

# Must be able to be the master of our emotion
Often, when one is criticized, one will end up feeling sad, shameful, worried (worry is a kind of fear), or angry. All these emotions are of lower consciousness.
Be aware of your emotion, then you can shift those of lower consciousness to those of higher consciousness (e.g. courage, patience).
For example, you can manage your anger through techniques such as loving yourself, Siberian North Rail Road, and detachment.

# Learn to relax our body
Criticisms from people whose matter to us (e.g. parents, teachers, bosses, co-workers, or even peers) can result in racing heart, sweating, shaking, flushing face.
When you are aware of these physical reactions of your body, use relaxation to calm down. Breath deeply. Visualize / imagine serene places that you remember from your travel. Recall prayers that you have said countless times.

"Let nothing disturb you,
nothing frighten you,
all things are passing.
God is unchanging.
Patience gains all;
nothing is lacking to those who have God:
God alone is sufficient."
St Teresa of Avilla

Related:
How to Handle Criticism and Nonconstructive Feedback by Nicole Wolfe
*Davidson_not_hopeless* (in my ref folder)

More readings:
http://www.economist.com/node/21564525
http://www.talentsmart.com/articles/

Thick face, black heart

Normally, we do not want to be perceived as a person with thick face or black heart.
However, when Chu Chin-Ning cites Mahatma Gandhi and Abraham Lincoln as the highest level practionists of thick face and black heart, I am curious to find out what thick face and black heart really mean according to the book entitled Thick face, black heart.

According to Mahatma Gandhi, nonviolence is an extremely active force.
It has no room for cowardice or even weakness.
Not to be coward means one needs thick face.
Not to be weak means one needs black heart.

The author argues that when you want to be kind, you must also have black heart (a protective shield) / be ruthless.
Have you ever felt that it is easier to be compassionate to the nameless and faceless needy people (think of donating to charity, disaster victims) than to those who are special to us?
Through experience, our kindness / compassion / generosity is often abused.
They act as if we owe them.
The more we give, the more we should give.
It is human nature to abuse those who support and love us most.
For example, children abuses their parents or vice versa, husband abuses wife.
A proposed solution is to be kind / compassionate with a protective shield.

See also my mind map.

What are the masculine and feminine qualities to adopt for success?

In the summer 2005, I went to pay a tribute to the Statue of Liberty for what she symbolizes: immense vitality, strength, and beauty. Do you notice that her face shows her inner masculine strength and determination?

In the summer 2004, I did not manage to see the Michelangelo’s statue of David in Florence, but I believe that one day in the future I will be able to go around Italy with a lover.
David represents the highest perfection of man. Though he has muscled body, he also possesses sensitivity.

Based on the responses of the all-women participants in CNC’s seminar, here are what many intelligent and open-minded women think of as

MEN’S NEGATIVE QUALITIES
arrogant
demanding
egotistical
immature
insensitive
lazy
chauvinistic
patronizing
self-centered
ungrateful

WOMEN’S NEGATIVE QUALITIES
bossy
emotional
envious
gossipy
indecisive
insecure
moody
perfectionist
petty
timid

MEN’S POSITIVE QUALITIES
adventurous
analytical
bold / confident / courageous / risk-taker / audacious
focused
generous
in control
logical
open-minded
straightforward
strong

WOMEN’S POSITIVE QUALITIES
adaptable
committed
creative
empathetic
independent
intuitive
passionate
practical
resilient / bend but not break
sensitive

Well, if we look carefully in real world, certain women have many masculine qualities, and vice versa.

Sun Tzu teaches: Whether you should be more masculine or feminine depends on the situation / circumstances / environment / people you face. Do not be locked into a style or another. Be flexible.

Our fashion can help.
If you feel that you are too harsh / aggressive, wear a pale scarf or sexy lingerie beneath your power suit.
If you feel that you are too passive, wear a dark banker’s suit.