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How to build a marriage to last?

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Love is more than a feeling. It is something to DO each and every day. Decide to love your spouse, regardless of your feeling / emotion.
Trust and confide in one another.
Be willing to lower expectations set before marriage.
Be persistent over commitment, pursue happiness within marriage rather than simply staying because of the commitment.
Rspect and value each other.
Express feeling to one another.
Be intimate and close.
Have mutual sexual satisfaction.
Express understanding and support.
Encourage independence in one another.
Express contentment and appreciation / gratitude.
"Love me when I least deserve it, because that’s when I really need it." Swedish proverb.

Written by blueroselady

November 25, 2012 at 1:59 am

Marriage is a journey, not a destination

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From my old green notebook given by Daddy F:
A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together,
it is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.

Dave Meurer, "Daze of Our Wives"

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.
Russian writer Leo Tolstoy
books2012.txt

Do you want to make your marriage more magical?
I want so much!

I have been learning many tips and would like to share with you who kindly visit Blueroselady WordPress.

Some daisy tips:
Send sexy looking lingerie to your partner as a gift.

Hand-make a gift for your loved one.
Help your loved one overcome his or her greatest fear to strengthen your relationship.

Plan your next honeymoon together.
Make a painting out of your favorite photo together.

Give your partner "massage" coupons, on your account.
Indulge your loved one with homemade ice cream.

Spend a day alone with your partner, with all communication devices turned off.
Slip a love note into your partner’s wallet or purse.

Give your loved one a gift each day for a whole week.
Surprise your spouse with breakfast in bed.

Recreate your first date with your spouse and re-live the magical moments.
Take a dancing class together and enjoy the physical proximity.

Spread a little sunshine by doing charity together.

How to enjoy the marital bliss?
Some serious tips are shared below from loving couples.
# Stay thankful for each passing day of love.
# Stay hopeful when challenges come.
# Stay faithful to the love of your life.
# Do not set unrealistic expectations.
# DO NOT COMPARE your spouse to others.
# Do not try to change your other half (unless his / her habits / attitudes / actions are damaging / destructive).
# Remember that every couple will experience conflict, but conflict is not necessarily bad and leads to destruction or warrants a break up.
# NEVER ever use the D word! Do not use divorce as a bargaining chip.
# When a party is angry / in wrath, agree to call time-out / calm down first, then discuss the issue later.
# Don’t start an argument with "You never … " or "You always …" because accusations only add fuel to the fire.
# Support his / her passion(s).
# Always communicate, TALK / SHARE about your feelings / experiences / things that matter most, even though if you are trapped in the rat race of work.
# GENTLE ANSWERS turn away wrath. Keep your tone, volume, body language calm & loving.
# SELF-CONTROL of your tongue not to say what you are thinking when your spouse speak; let him / her finish speaking.
# Guys, LISTEN attentively to your woman without judgment.
# Ladies, do not expect your man to mind-read & get your hints too much.
# Aware that routine helps couples to feel safe & secure, it is also very easy to cross the line from comfortable to complacent. Thus, remember not to neglect each other’s needs.

Spouse = soul mate = lover = partner.

Letter writing exercise:
To my wife
I love you because …
I appreciate you for …
I love it when you …
love,
[insert your name]

Financial tips for marriage:
# Shop around. Check prices around if you need to make a major purchase.
# Simplify, simplify, simplify. Declutter your life to downsize your material expectations & upsize your contentment in life.
# Categorize your shopping list according to necessities, desires, & absurdities. It trains your mind to focus / spend only on what is necessary.
# Resist impulse buying. Use wait-before-buying rule.
# Track every cent that you spend. Budget your expenditure. Use spreadsheet.

Marriage & children:
# Remember always that children are a gift to be treasured.
# Making your marriage work is the best gift to your children.
# Having children fulfills our instinctive needs to nurture, protect & love.
# Seek the JOY that comes from nurturing a new life.
Success in the workplace cannot replace the fulfillment that a healthy, growing family can give.
Postponing parenthood has a price, including a decrease in fertility as ones grow older.

see also:
How to survive in-laws and not end up out-laws?
How to build a marriage to last?
Marriage sharing by Blueroselady

If you find my writings are helpful to you, please donate to me by clicking here.

Written by blueroselady

March 14, 2013 at 3:03 am

Posted in family, love

Tagged with , , , , , , ,

A loving husband in the eye of his son

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Dear friends

I am sharing a touching story about marriage, shared by a mentor.

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead.My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.– At least, in the eyes of our son— I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

Questions by Blueroselady:
Why the wife did not tell the husband that she was ill?
If she told him, they might help each other.
The act of his wife to keep silent might haunt the husband with a guilt for the rest of his life.
Why the husband had an affair with Jane ?
How to keep the husband always be excited with the wife, instead of another woman?

Written by blueroselady

April 30, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Posted in family

Tips: wedding

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Preparing for our once-in-a-lifetime event, excited!

decide what the must-haves and wish-to-have are.
Go personal, you don’t have to invite everyone and his neighbour. Each guest increases your costs drastically.
Be creative. You don’t have to hold your banquet in grand expensive places. Think museums, country clubs, gardens of rich friends. Or look for an all-inclusive package to save costs.
Smaller boutiques usually carry popular styles at a fraction of designer boutiques’ cost. Renting is also a cheaper option. Borrow your accessories if you could.

@~@
I want Wong Kar Wai style photographs.
Your happiness is in your own hands. Think positive. Expect the unexpected.
“The best shots reflect a relaxed simplicity, as if the couple isn’t posing at all.”
Playfulness Incorporated. Let me transport you and your lover back to childhood memories.
Sepia lends an old world charm to the photograph, creating a timelessness that will never date.

@~@
1. Pride goes before a fall

Just as the age-old adage goes, where your relationship is concerned you should put aside your pride and instead, focus on solving the problem in an unbiased way. Marriage is not about who is right or wrong, it’s not a competition, its more important than that, and very often we tend to overlook its significance by getting side tracked by inconsequential matters.
2. Make up before the day ends

Constructive fighting is good for any relationship, as it helps your relationship grow and clarify differences. However, it is important not to go to bed before making up. By delaying resolving the problem, all you are doing is causing the resentment to fester and get worse, therefore, no matter how angry you may be, make the effort to solve the problem before either of you hit the sack.
3. Say you are sorry when you are wrong

If you are in the wrong, swallow that pride and admit it, no good will come about if you don?. Be mature and show your partner that even though you are mad, embarrassed and filled to the brim with pride, you are still willing to put all that aside to make the relationship work.
4. Talk, share and get connected

Remember how you used to tell your partner everything that went on in your life? Well, don? stop. By sharing your thoughts, experiences and feelings with each other, you are building a bond between yourselves. The key to a successful marriage is a strong friendship, so go head and be friends again.
5. If it’s going to hurt, bite your tongue

If what you are going to say will cause unnecessary hurt, just bite your tongue. Constructive criticism is good, but destructive criticism which is fuelled by spite and pettiness will just erode your relationship and causes more harm than good, so ask yourself, what your objective is before you utter those spiteful words.
6. Save the criticism for when you get home

Suppress your desire to lash out at your partner in public or to others. Show him / her, the respect they deserve by saving the tongue lashing for when you get home. Airing your dirty laundry to others would result in your partner losing face. Remember your vows, to ‘cherish each other for better or for worse’, well remember them whenever you are filled with desire to rant.
7. Have a little love

Having sex frequently releases endorphins, burns calories and reduces stress. It also helps you to get closer to each other. So make the time for a quick romp or if time is really a constraint, then some heavy petting would also suffice. 🙂

@~@
Focus on ‘us’ not ‘me’

A marriage is a partnership, but quite often, many couples get married and continue to live like they did when they were single. Although it is important for some ‘me’ time, it is also important to share your experiences with your mate, as this builds bonds and brings a couple closer together. Because most of us spend over 10 hours a day at work, it is understandable that you end up confiding your frustrations and joys to your colleagues, and when you get home, you have nothing much to say to your partner, having unburdened yourself on your work mates. The problem with this is that, you are left with literally nothing much to talk about when you get home and this may result in your partner feeling excluded from your life.
Find time to be together

It’s easy to suggest but impossible to do, but do try and make some time for each other every day. Even if it is for an hour, simply sharing the mundane daily goings-on will make your partner feel included in your life and this feeling of inclusion will bring the two of you closer together. Try to make it a point to spend at least one day of the week to re-explore each other. A romantic dinner, a trip to the cinema or theatre, a walk in the park, any of these simple activities will help restore or maintain intimacy between the two of you.
A little time to be kind

The stress of our daily routines often makes it too easy not to be as polite or civil to our partners as we could be. It’s important to remember that our partners need and deserve that courtesy the most. So take the time to recognize all that your partner does each day, show your appreciation for the efforts by thanking him or her for things done and give high praise. It’s easy to get so swamped and overwhelmed by work that you simply forget to tell your partner that you love them. Make an effort to tell and show your partner how much he or she means to you. Hold his or her hand, give a kiss on the way out the door, put a love note in the lunchbox, and compliment your partner in public. All of these acts demonstrate your love for your husband / wife.
Listen with empathy

Communication is the key to a lasting relationship. Developing good listening skills can help you build and maintain emotional empathy. A good listener doesn’t just understand the words another person is saying. He or she also understands the meaning behind the words, and acknowledges that the meaning was understood. This type of listening is called empathic listening and makes the speaker feels that what he / she says is of importance. Practicing empathic listening can lead to good relationships, emotional intimacy, and contented marriages. Unlike just hearing the words someone says, empathic listening demonstrates to the listener that you truly understand and care about what he or she thinks and feels.
Relive your courting days

Remember how much time you spent together before marriage? All those late nights spent just walking around, simply enjoying being next to each other? Those marathon conversations you both had about nothing and everything? Relive the exhilaration, the fervour and the closeness that you both shared. Don’t postpone it for tomorrow; life is so fragile; there may not be a tomorrow. As morbid as this may sound, you should value the time you have together, so if anything bad should happen, you would have no regrets.

Finding your soul mate is something that each and everyone of us dreams of, so if you have found the man / woman worthy of this title, cherish them and live every day together like it is your last.

Written by blueroselady

February 27, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Posted in family

Tagged with , , , , ,