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How to survive in-laws and not end up out-laws? 8 strategies for Asian in-laws

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Based on sharing of a few friends & acquaintances,
some parents in Asia cannot let go of their grown children.
Friction with in-laws can be a primary cause of stress in the early years of marriage.

Depending on each individual’s perception,
a word / sentence can be
well intentioned advice or
interfering / insensitive comment.

How to survive in-laws and not end up out-laws (in the context of Asian in-laws) ?
# If parents need to be confronted, agree that their own biological child, and not the son-in-law or daughter-in-law, do the talking.
# If in-laws are controlling, you can be PLEASANT, APPROPRIATE & FACTUAL.
# Invite in-laws to share a part in your parenting journey.
# DEFINE family friendly policies : holiday plans, home rules & boundaries with grandchildren.

# DO NOT SNUB / IGNORE your in-laws.
# DO NOT TRY TO WIN A BATTLE (e.g. via outwitting / out-talking your in-laws in a conflict) but you may end up losing the war (you risk losing the love and respect they have for you).
# DO NOT ERECT INVISIBLE FENCES to shut out your in-laws because this act only creates greater hostility.
# DO NOT MANIPULATE / POWER PLAY.

Written by blueroselady

March 14, 2013 at 3:05 am

Posted in family, love

Tagged with , , , , ,

Marriage is a journey, not a destination

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From my old green notebook given by Daddy F:
A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together,
it is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.

Dave Meurer, "Daze of Our Wives"

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.
Russian writer Leo Tolstoy
books2012.txt

Do you want to make your marriage more magical?
I want so much!

I have been learning many tips and would like to share with you who kindly visit Blueroselady WordPress.

Some daisy tips:
Send sexy looking lingerie to your partner as a gift.

Hand-make a gift for your loved one.
Help your loved one overcome his or her greatest fear to strengthen your relationship.

Plan your next honeymoon together.
Make a painting out of your favorite photo together.

Give your partner "massage" coupons, on your account.
Indulge your loved one with homemade ice cream.

Spend a day alone with your partner, with all communication devices turned off.
Slip a love note into your partner’s wallet or purse.

Give your loved one a gift each day for a whole week.
Surprise your spouse with breakfast in bed.

Recreate your first date with your spouse and re-live the magical moments.
Take a dancing class together and enjoy the physical proximity.

Spread a little sunshine by doing charity together.

How to enjoy the marital bliss?
Some serious tips are shared below from loving couples.
# Stay thankful for each passing day of love.
# Stay hopeful when challenges come.
# Stay faithful to the love of your life.
# Do not set unrealistic expectations.
# DO NOT COMPARE your spouse to others.
# Do not try to change your other half (unless his / her habits / attitudes / actions are damaging / destructive).
# Remember that every couple will experience conflict, but conflict is not necessarily bad and leads to destruction or warrants a break up.
# NEVER ever use the D word! Do not use divorce as a bargaining chip.
# When a party is angry / in wrath, agree to call time-out / calm down first, then discuss the issue later.
# Don’t start an argument with "You never … " or "You always …" because accusations only add fuel to the fire.
# Support his / her passion(s).
# Always communicate, TALK / SHARE about your feelings / experiences / things that matter most, even though if you are trapped in the rat race of work.
# GENTLE ANSWERS turn away wrath. Keep your tone, volume, body language calm & loving.
# SELF-CONTROL of your tongue not to say what you are thinking when your spouse speak; let him / her finish speaking.
# Guys, LISTEN attentively to your woman without judgment.
# Ladies, do not expect your man to mind-read & get your hints too much.
# Aware that routine helps couples to feel safe & secure, it is also very easy to cross the line from comfortable to complacent. Thus, remember not to neglect each other’s needs.

Spouse = soul mate = lover = partner.

Letter writing exercise:
To my wife
I love you because …
I appreciate you for …
I love it when you …
love,
[insert your name]

Financial tips for marriage:
# Shop around. Check prices around if you need to make a major purchase.
# Simplify, simplify, simplify. Declutter your life to downsize your material expectations & upsize your contentment in life.
# Categorize your shopping list according to necessities, desires, & absurdities. It trains your mind to focus / spend only on what is necessary.
# Resist impulse buying. Use wait-before-buying rule.
# Track every cent that you spend. Budget your expenditure. Use spreadsheet.

Marriage & children:
# Remember always that children are a gift to be treasured.
# Making your marriage work is the best gift to your children.
# Having children fulfills our instinctive needs to nurture, protect & love.
# Seek the JOY that comes from nurturing a new life.
Success in the workplace cannot replace the fulfillment that a healthy, growing family can give.
Postponing parenthood has a price, including a decrease in fertility as ones grow older.

see also:
How to survive in-laws and not end up out-laws?
How to build a marriage to last?
Marriage sharing by Blueroselady

If you find my writings are helpful to you, please donate to me by clicking here.

Written by blueroselady

March 14, 2013 at 3:03 am

Posted in family, love

Tagged with , , , , , , ,

The power of positive thinking that we could never underestimate

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Positive thinking

# allows us to treasure, enjoy, embrace our lives

# gives us a reason to continue living as illustrated by a story of Viktor Frankl

# makes learning easy for us
# can be inherited (sounds like our genes) to the future generation as suggested by a reader S

@~@

When Viktor Frankl was imprisoned in the Nazi camp,
suffered torture and the loss of his family (parents, brother, wife),
he miraculously realized that
between what happened to him (the stimulus) and his response to him,
he still has the power / the freedom to choose his own response.

Viktor Frankl chose to think positively, to imagine positively.
He imagined that he would lecture to his students after being released from the camp.
He imagined a positive future that gives hope and strength to his present.
He survived,
founded logotherapy and
wrote Man’s Search for Meaning,
which highlight the importance of finding meaning in all forms of existence,
even the most sordid ones, and hence a reason to continue living.

@~@

Learning is a part and parcel of living.

As my saying goes "Live, Learn, Earn"

How can we effortlessly learn difficult subjects and skills using positive thinking?

Think positive.
Do not think that it is difficult.

Simplify.

The best in the world simplify the complex (e.g. complex subjects);
the most common make the simple complex.

@~@

A reader S sent me a warm email about her experience with positive thinking.

She wrote:
Although my pregnancy was relatively physically challenging,
I suffered from acid reflux, nausea, and backache that made sleeping flat uncomfortable,
yet I was very happy.


Pregnancy seems to be a long holiday when I was pampered by my family member, tolerated by my colleagues, and showered with kindness by strangers.


I spent many hours reading self-help positive psychology books.
Probably, I read over a hundred books,
making my own notes that I can review later,
they are like short-cuts to happiness for me,
or an instant side-effect-free ‘aspirin’ when I am stress.

As a result, I delivered a healthy baby who is naturally happy.
He smiles within 24 hours in his sleep,
and he smiles the first thing in the morning when he wakes up after a good night sleep and being fed with breast milk.
He smiles often, even to strangers.
People loves him.

God must have given him to us to also let us learn from him.
His natural ability to be happy with himself, with life, and to bring happiness to others through his smiles.

On the other hand,
looking back at my post-delivery experience,
there are things that I wish can be better.

Sometimes it seems that the more people (including grandparents, in-laws, the so-called experts, and well meaning friends giving advices)
are involved in the process,
the more different wants and rules to be met,
which made my life tougher.
What I did not realize that I do not have to live my life to other people’s expectation!

What works for others, may not work for us (my baby & me).
What works for us, may not works for others.
For example,
his grandmother insisted that we do not buy a breast pump,
but the breast pump turned out to be highly useful!
I just have to keep on experimenting and finding ways that work for us.
It is ok to be different & imperfect.

Finally, the most important lesson that I learned,
while I diligently gulped down all the nutritious confinement meals and red date tea,
I forget to consume my positive thinking nourishment.

Everyday, it seems that there are new problems.
Things that I must buy and do.
Grandparents will tell me to do this, to do that, and the list goes on.

To make it worse,
my mother nagged at me,
she told me to sleep more,
not to breastfeed baby at night,
because that was her experience,
but she did not know that by doing so would result in drop of breastmilk supply,
and I would wake up at night worrying for my baby,
because I was not allowed to sleep with him in the same room or same bed.

Moreover, I need to write as it is therapeutic for me.
In recent years, I have been writing using my laptop
but my mother disallowed me to use IT gadgets (including my laptop, mobile phones) because she is worried that they are bad for my eyes.

I sincerely want to forgive my mother,
she just wants the best for me.
Although she does not realize that children are not necessarily inherit the same likings / ways of feeling goods as parents,
she just wants the best for me.

Perhaps, my mother is also learning from this experience,
after all my baby was her first grandchild.
She appears to be more patient with her grandchild than to me or our siblings when we were young.
Oops! I am comparing again.

Well … I am trying to be more mindful when I compare things.
Some comparisons are fruitless.

After all, all those have become the past.
I choose to cherish the happy and positive things from the past,
and live in the present.

Blueroselady says:
Congratulations S for becoming a new mother!
You are doing well and great!

To summarise S’ points:
Cultivate intrinsic happiness daily.
Live in the present.
Live not for others’ expectation.
It is OK to be unique / different.
It is OK to be imperfect.

@~@

Bonus: voice note dated 2013 Aug 20th

Written by blueroselady

August 20, 2013 at 10:25 am