Blueroselady's Weblog

I wish you abundant happiness, health & wealth

Archive for the ‘love’ Category

How to survive in-laws and not end up out-laws? 8 strategies for Asian in-laws

leave a comment »

Based on sharing of a few friends & acquaintances,
some parents in Asia cannot let go of their grown children.
Friction with in-laws can be a primary cause of stress in the early years of marriage.

Depending on each individual’s perception,
a word / sentence can be
well intentioned advice or
interfering / insensitive comment.

How to survive in-laws and not end up out-laws (in the context of Asian in-laws) ?
# If parents need to be confronted, agree that their own biological child, and not the son-in-law or daughter-in-law, do the talking.
# If in-laws are controlling, you can be PLEASANT, APPROPRIATE & FACTUAL.
# Invite in-laws to share a part in your parenting journey.
# DEFINE family friendly policies : holiday plans, home rules & boundaries with grandchildren.

# DO NOT SNUB / IGNORE your in-laws.
# DO NOT TRY TO WIN A BATTLE (e.g. via outwitting / out-talking your in-laws in a conflict) but you may end up losing the war (you risk losing the love and respect they have for you).
# DO NOT ERECT INVISIBLE FENCES to shut out your in-laws because this act only creates greater hostility.
# DO NOT MANIPULATE / POWER PLAY.

Advertisements

Written by blueroselady

March 14, 2013 at 3:05 am

Posted in family, love

Tagged with , , , , ,

Marriage is a journey, not a destination

leave a comment »

From my old green notebook given by Daddy F:
A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together,
it is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.

Dave Meurer, "Daze of Our Wives"

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.
Russian writer Leo Tolstoy
books2012.txt

Do you want to make your marriage more magical?
I want so much!

I have been learning many tips and would like to share with you who kindly visit Blueroselady WordPress.

Some daisy tips:
Send sexy looking lingerie to your partner as a gift.

Hand-make a gift for your loved one.
Help your loved one overcome his or her greatest fear to strengthen your relationship.

Plan your next honeymoon together.
Make a painting out of your favorite photo together.

Give your partner "massage" coupons, on your account.
Indulge your loved one with homemade ice cream.

Spend a day alone with your partner, with all communication devices turned off.
Slip a love note into your partner’s wallet or purse.

Give your loved one a gift each day for a whole week.
Surprise your spouse with breakfast in bed.

Recreate your first date with your spouse and re-live the magical moments.
Take a dancing class together and enjoy the physical proximity.

Spread a little sunshine by doing charity together.

How to enjoy the marital bliss?
Some serious tips are shared below from loving couples.
# Stay thankful for each passing day of love.
# Stay hopeful when challenges come.
# Stay faithful to the love of your life.
# Do not set unrealistic expectations.
# DO NOT COMPARE your spouse to others.
# Do not try to change your other half (unless his / her habits / attitudes / actions are damaging / destructive).
# Remember that every couple will experience conflict, but conflict is not necessarily bad and leads to destruction or warrants a break up.
# NEVER ever use the D word! Do not use divorce as a bargaining chip.
# When a party is angry / in wrath, agree to call time-out / calm down first, then discuss the issue later.
# Don’t start an argument with "You never … " or "You always …" because accusations only add fuel to the fire.
# Support his / her passion(s).
# Always communicate, TALK / SHARE about your feelings / experiences / things that matter most, even though if you are trapped in the rat race of work.
# GENTLE ANSWERS turn away wrath. Keep your tone, volume, body language calm & loving.
# SELF-CONTROL of your tongue not to say what you are thinking when your spouse speak; let him / her finish speaking.
# Guys, LISTEN attentively to your woman without judgment.
# Ladies, do not expect your man to mind-read & get your hints too much.
# Aware that routine helps couples to feel safe & secure, it is also very easy to cross the line from comfortable to complacent. Thus, remember not to neglect each other’s needs.

Spouse = soul mate = lover = partner.

Letter writing exercise:
To my wife
I love you because …
I appreciate you for …
I love it when you …
love,
[insert your name]

Financial tips for marriage:
# Shop around. Check prices around if you need to make a major purchase.
# Simplify, simplify, simplify. Declutter your life to downsize your material expectations & upsize your contentment in life.
# Categorize your shopping list according to necessities, desires, & absurdities. It trains your mind to focus / spend only on what is necessary.
# Resist impulse buying. Use wait-before-buying rule.
# Track every cent that you spend. Budget your expenditure. Use spreadsheet.

Marriage & children:
# Remember always that children are a gift to be treasured.
# Making your marriage work is the best gift to your children.
# Having children fulfills our instinctive needs to nurture, protect & love.
# Seek the JOY that comes from nurturing a new life.
Success in the workplace cannot replace the fulfillment that a healthy, growing family can give.
Postponing parenthood has a price, including a decrease in fertility as ones grow older.

see also:
How to survive in-laws and not end up out-laws?
How to build a marriage to last?
Marriage sharing by Blueroselady

If you find my writings are helpful to you, please donate to me by clicking here.

Written by blueroselady

March 14, 2013 at 3:03 am

Posted in family, love

Tagged with , , , , , , ,

A journey to Yunnan

leave a comment »

This is a backlog travel note.

@~@
What to bring?
see 2bring4travel.txt in my folder of China2012.

@~@
I make a marking for every (large in amount) RMB note that we bring to China.
Why?
The money changer staff told us that her son was cheated.

Her son gave the shop assistant a large note.
The shop assistant went to look for change.
She came back and told him that there was no change and returned him a fake note!

@~@
Our tour guide to Shi Lin was Mr Wang.

He told us that to travel by yourselves will cost more than joining tour.
Mr Wang said his salary is RMB 1600. A month expenditure is RMB 1000. Therefore, we have to shop, the more we shop, the more commission he will receive.

If one earns RMB 2500 per month, he or she is considered high earner.
The main sources of income for travel company in Yunnan:
1. tourist attractions.
2. air tickets.
3. hotel (we were promised 4* hotel-room but we got a RMB 80 / night 2* motel-room).

4. food (Wang told us to expect the food to be not delicious).

China has 56 tribes.
Yunnan has 52 tribes.
Mr Wang said that fast and dark female are desirable.
女孩十八岁像老太太
老太太像老妖怪

To leave the mountain, the minority people have 2 paths:

1. study well
2. join the army
In his village (Shi Lin), the eldest woman in the tribe is the head. If a man run away to leave the mountain, all family members will be punished.

According to Wang, silver can remove ‘wind’.

To me, A Shi Ma (Yunnan) to greet female sounds similar to Ajuma (Korea).
A Shi Ma 阿诗玛 means diligent and beautiful.
To greet male, A Hei Ge 阿黑哥 / A Bai Ge 阿白哥 / Hei Bai Ge 黑白哥 aka A Hua Ge 阿花哥.

Lake is called Sea.
River 河 is called Jiang.

FOOD that we tried:
@~@ flower pastry. We love it (JiaHua brand).
@~@ over-the-bridge rice noodle.
@~@ The eight treasures of Yunnan. Too sour for me.
@~@ Wild mushroom banquet. Thank you to our tour guide Wang for driving us there (for free), he said he stayed near there. The waitress was also honest to return a forgotten phone.

@~@ Hui cuisine. The wild vegetable was unique, my first time eating such kind of vegetable.
@~@ 青稞饼 (barley bread).

FAUNA
@~@ grazing yaks (black, white, brown) : Zhongdian / 中甸, Blue Moon Valley
@~@ sheep
@~@ horse riding, LaShiHai / 拉市海*. It costs us RMB 350 / person, latter someone told us that you can have the ride for RMB 100. My travel partner was happy for the first time riding horse.

* When I prepared for the trip to Yunnan, 拉市海 seems so tranquil like Lake Bohinj, but when we visited 拉市海, it was hot and crowded (especially at the horse riding sites). The tranquil site was frequently visited by couples taking pre wedding photos.

Be careful of:
pickpockets / bag slashings.
Avoid barber shops, massage centers (con involvement).
police num: 110

Black Dragon Pool / 云南黑龙潭
The front cover of my favorite travel book: DK Eyewitness of China features the Black Dragon Pool with Yulong (Jade Dragon) Snow Mountain and its reflection.

When we were there, the pool was dried that we could see the cracking soil and smell the unpleasant fishy odor.

Sometimes, virtual travel (through travel books / documentaries / videos) seems, sounds and smells more relaxing. Personally, this is possible if only we have experienced similar things before, so that we can imagine and re-feel. If not, we have to travel our lives!
Many times, we have to travel indeed.

Lijiang 丽江 to Zhongdian 中甸:
terraced fields (reminded me on the journey to Sapa in Vietnam).
the upper reaches of the Yangtze River.

@~@
See also:
https://blueroselady.wordpress.com/2012/04/01/dream-of-love-in-the-spring-2012/
https://blueroselady.wordpress.com/2012/02/09/plan-for-our-love-photos-china/
https://blueroselady.wordpress.com/2012/02/12/travel-china-sichuan/
https://blueroselady.wordpress.com/2012/01/26/asia-regional-travel-ideas-2012-2014/
Blueroselady’s travel

If you find my writings are helpful to you, please donate to me by clicking here.

Written by blueroselady

March 11, 2013 at 11:19 am

Different expectations from children to parents

leave a comment »

As a new Mom,
naturally …
I strengthen my friendships with friends who are Moms,
I make new friends with other Moms.

A good friend of mine,
J shared with me on the different expectations from children to parents.

J’s husband has a sister who lives with the parents of J’s husband,
and the parents of J’s husband are taking care of the children of J’s sister (the nieces-in-law of J).
it seems that J’s family have the expectation that "grandparents must take care of the grandchildren."

A conversation between J & J’s husband
(well, I do not know what their exact words, so I just share based on my memory talking to J).

J : Honey, let say in a hypothetical scenario, if Daddy & Mommy (refers to J’s husband’s parents) want to take time off to go holidays seeing the world for e.g. 3 months, do you think my sister-in-law will allow?

J’s husband : I don’t know. May be not because nobody will take care of her children.

J shared that when his parents went overseas for J’s wedding,
his parents could only come for 3 days,
because they must take care of J’s nieces-in-law.

J’s husband grew up in a family in which parents are taking care of their children a lot,
for example,
his parents wash his clothes,
cook his herbal medicine,
cleans his room,
irons his office attire,
bath the grandchildren,
instead of letting J’s sister-in-law to do it,
while his parents give a lot of comfort to their children,
they may somehow deprive some opportunities to be independent from their children.

J does not think that this is wrong,
it is just different way of parents expressing their love.

J’s husband once remarked : Your parents seem to love their children less than mine.
J gently replied : Honey, our parents love their children differently in their own ways.
Your parents give you comfortable lives,
help with a lot of little things and house chore.
My parents teach me how to survive in the world on my own,
simply because they cannot take care of me forever,
so they gave me an early training.
(Note : like me, J has led an independence life away from her parents since her teenager days.)

Of course, as a woman and a friend of J,
I side J more than J’s husband,
this is human nature.

Personally (in the opinion of Blueroselady),
parents are responsible of taking care of their children until the children turn 18 or 21 years old.
children are responsible of taking care of their parents (till the end of the parents’ lives) once children start earning an income.

As an adult, we should not expect our parents to take care of our children.
Of course,
if our parents want to do so,
they are welcome,
but we must not insist it.

My opinion is influenced by Asian concept of filial piety,
yet is modern enough by taking account the freedom concept of the West
(For example,
have no expectation for our parents to take care of their grandchildren).

Written by blueroselady

February 28, 2013 at 2:47 pm

Reflections on love: Happy Valentine 2013

leave a comment »

Love means giving in without giving up.

Being in love produces the same physiological responses as fear: pupil dilation, sweaty palms, and increased heart rate.

Men who kiss their wives each morning live 5 years longer than those who don’t.

Medical experts suggest you are more likely to catch a common cold by shaking hands than by kissing.

Love and marriage are boosts for your health, so much so that one doctor admitted that if a new drug had the same impact, virtually every doctor in the country would be recommending it.

“Marriage is 3 parts love and 7 parts forgiveness of sins,” Lao Tzu observed.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
According to research, love at first sight is not just a fairy tale. If a person is in the right emotional frame of mind, it can take as little as 30 seconds to fall in love. Physical appearance tops he list for attraction, but a desire to know more about t person is another factor. Interestingly, men fall first but are usually the most fickle, a sign that it is possible to fall in love with more than a person at a time.

In my darkest moment I found my brightest light. I am so glad I found you.

I not only love you, but love that you love me.

A reflection on universal love through a Swedish proverb,
“Love me when I least deserve it, because that’s when I really need it.”
The worst, ugliest, dirtiest, most annoying human being we have encountered is probably the one that we have to love most, because s/he is the one who needs our love or compassion most.

I will tell my children, “when the going gets tough, remember: your mother loves you.”

I love this quote by Antoine De Saint-Exupery:
“Perhaps friendship is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.”

I also love this quote by Vincent van Gogh:
“The more I think it over, the more I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people.”

Happy Valentine 2013, with love from Blueroselady.

Written by blueroselady

February 14, 2013 at 1:18 pm

How to discover our strengths?

leave a comment »

It is better to focus on developing our strengths than repairing our weakness. I have heard this piece of advice many times, from mentors TF to SL, who gave me his first book in winter 2012.

To find out about your strength, you can visit
1. http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu
Then, choose "Brief Strengths Test".
It has 24 questions.
I found that the questions somehow drove me to my self-perceived answers, perhaps real life example-kind of questions will be better.

Here are my strengths:
Love of Learning
Humility/Modesty
Prudence
Appreciation of beauty and excellence [awe, wonder, elevation]
Gratitude
Hope [optimism, future-mindedness, future orientation]
Curiosity [interest, novelty-seeking, openness to experience]
Open-mindedness [judgment, critical thinking]
Bravery [valor]
Persistence [perseverance, industriousness]
Love
Kindness [generosity, nurturance, care, compassion, altruistic love, "niceness"]
Self-regulation [self-control]
Creativity [originality, ingenuity]
Perspective [wisdom]
Integrity [authenticity, honesty]
Vitality [zest, enthusiasm, vigor, energy]
Social Intelligence [emotional intelligence, personal intelligence]
Citizenship [social responsibility, loyalty, teamwork]
Forgiveness and mercy
Spirituality [religiousness, faith, purpose]
Fairness
Leadership
Humor [playfulness]

2. Another test "VIA Survey of Character Strengths"
The test has 240 questions.
Some questions are repetitive.
I had a break halfway taking this test, to make delicious papaya milkshake.

For parents, "VIA Strength Survey for Children" is available.

Here are my results:

Your Top Strength
Hope, optimism, and future-mindedness
You expect the best in the future, and you work to achieve it. You believe that the future is something that you can control.

Your Second Strength
Love of learning
You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums – anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn.

Your Third Strength
Spirituality, sense of purpose, and faith
You have strong and coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe. You know where you fit in the larger scheme. Your beliefs shape your actions and are a source of comfort to you.

Your Fourth Strength
Appreciation of beauty and excellence
You notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in all domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience.

Your Fifth Strength
Gratitude
You are aware of the good things that happen to you, and you never take them for granted. Your friends and family members know that you are a grateful person because you always take the time to express your thanks.

Your Sixth Strength
Industry, diligence, and perseverance
You work hard to finish what you start. No matter the project, you "get it out the door" in timely fashion. You do not get distracted when you work, and you take satisfaction in completing tasks.

Your Seventh Strength
Curiosity and interest in the world
You are curious about everything. You are always asking questions, and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploration and discovery.

3. A combination of strengths.
Though we may share some strengths, but we are likely to have different combinations of strengths, that make each of us unique. Let us strive to maximize our combination of strengths through synergy.

After thought:
Since we are growing / changing over time, our results may be different from time to time. It will be interesting to re-take the tests in n years down the road.

Related:
Focus on strengths more, fix weaknesses less

Blueroselady's parenting philosophy

leave a comment »

Hugs and kisses are MUST things.
No swearing.
Loving what you do and doing what you love.
Dining as a family every night.
Say more "I love you".
No saying "I hate you", ‘hate’ is a very strong word.
Nagging will not work effectively, instead leading by being and doing.

Written by blueroselady

December 19, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Posted in family, love

Tagged with , , , , , ,