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Posts Tagged ‘Vietnam

5 calming tips to overcome anger

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It is OK for you to experience frustration / anger.
You are not alone.
We all experience frustration / anger in our lives.

Anger is not always bad,
anger helps us to assert our rights.

Anger, like other negative emotions and also positive emotions,
are normal and appropriate
under particular circumstances in space and time
(dynamic spatio-temporal context).

However,
when anger is prolonged / intense / unacknowledged,
it may lead to diseases,
which we do not want.

To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson,
“For every minute you remain angry

you give up 60 seconds of peace of mind.

Negative emotions such as anger / frustration / resentment,
can be extremely destructive,
because these destabilizing emotions blur our vision,
disable us from rational and clear thinking,
and rapidly drag us down to regrettable paths of lives.
There is truth in the saying that
Anger Is One Letter Short of Danger.

It is all right to feel anger
but it is not all right
to express anger violently
or with cruel words.

Anger shows on our face,
can impair our potential to live a happy life.

Angry outbursts / aggression can become a bad habit;
the more one allows anger to take control,
the deeper the brain pathways are carved & reinforced,
because of brain plasticity.
Simply put,
Anger begets anger.

When people are stress / angry,
their body releases stress hormones
like cortisol & adrenaline,
that intensify the amygdala’s sense of danger,
& shut down the calming function of the prefrontal cortex.

We want calmer, more effective & more resourceful ways
to handle our emotions,
especially angry feelings.

We want to prevent ourselves
from getting stuck in deeper problems,
such as depression & anxiety,
in the long run.

Thích Nhất Hạnh / tʰǐk ɲɜ̌t hɐ̂ʔɲ views that
either expressing or suppressing anger
is an end of 2 extremes.
Expressing anger harms those around you,
destroys your relationship with others.
Suppressing anger harms yourself & your health.
Instead, choose to acknowledge our emotions.
Choose calmer & more soothing ways to attend to anger.

Melissa Costello shares that
anger can be a cover up for deep hurt & pain.
In 10 Mindful Minutes,
Goldie Hawn & Wendy Holden also shares that
anger can be due to fear.

The good news is
we can learn techniques
to overcome & deal with
our pain & fear.

Our brain is plastic,
we can train our mind
to be positive.

We can be creative
or learn from creative people
in dealing with our negative emotions.

Roger Weissberg of Yale University
contributed a technique using the traffic signal imagery^
to help people to deal with difficult emotions.

^ Children may prefer we call it traffic signal game,
instead of the traffic signal technique.

How to use the traffic signal technique?
You can get some paper & color pencils / crayons
to draw a picture of traffic signal.

Alternatively,
you can visualize traffic signal in your mind
When you are feeling negative emotions such as anger,
use the traffic signals to help you
to drive & steer your emotions safely.

Red = stop. Breathe mindfully / do some mindful breathing.
Yellow = consider all possible / thinkable / reasonable ways to respond.
In this yellow light stage, we activate our prefrontal cortex.
Green = Respond mindfully.

The traffic signal technique works because
according to Paul Ekman,
we begin feeling a strong emotion much faster
than we are aware of it.

When we use the traffic signal technique,
we allows ourselves to stop and think.
The technique lengthens the time between
the impulse / stimulus and response (either reaction or action)
as soon as
we realize and recognize
our difficult / negative feelings.

According to Victor Frankl,
between our stimulus and response
we have the freedom and power
to choose our response:
the most positive, mindful, meaningful response.
Through frequent practices
of the traffic signal technique,
we can build solid emotional resilience.

Last, but not least,
we can memorize some affirmations & scriptures.
They act as a short-cut
to quickly calm ourselves down
in the intense moment of strong negative feelings.

Examples of affirmations:
# The anger of today is the remorse of tomorrow
# If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. Chinese Proverb.
# People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing

Examples of scriptures:
# Proverbs 16:32 : “He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that controls his temper than he who conquers a city”
# Proverbs 22:24,25 : “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered”
# Exodus 2:11-15 : In a sudden burst of anger Moses killed an Egyptian and had to flee for his life! It then took him 40 years of patiently, humbly tending sheep in the wilderness, with time to listen to the Voice of God instead of his own impulses, before he was ready for the slow, la­borious, patient work of delivering the Hebrews from Egypt.

To summarize
@~@ Remember that anger++ = Danger
@~@ Neither express or suppress anger, but acknowledge it
@~@ Traffic signal technique
@~@ Remember that you can choose your response
@~@ Memorize affirmations / scriptures

Let us go for food hunt in the summer 2013

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Food that I crave in the summer 2012
Bun Mam, Vietnamese stinky aubergine soup.
Crab with spicy sauce.
Tiramisu.
Creme brule.
Salmon sashimi.
coffee with milk.
green tea latte.
oxtail soup.
satay beehoon.
coconut.

Written by blueroselady

July 1, 2013 at 10:31 am

Posted in food

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How to deal with anger? 15 effective tips

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Many times, as human beings,
we get angry because of the mistakes / misunderstanding caused by ourselves and people closest to us,
e.g.
our family members (spouse, children),
our bosses and subordinates,
our colleagues,
our clients.

Imagine a spouse who does not border to help you / who only knows how to nag and nag,
after you work hard and endure stress / fatigue / insult from the morning until night;
Imagine an in-law who only knows to blame you after you expend sweat, tears, and blood taking care of your home / spouse / children (fortunately my parents-in-law are very nice);
Imagine bosses who only know to instruct, take all the credit;
Imagine subordinates who do things wrongly even though you explain many times;
Imagine clients who refuse to pay their debts to you after you deliver the products,
or whose expertise is to complain and complain.

Anger is not always bad,
anger helps us to assert our rights.

Anger, like other negative emotions and also positive emotions,
are normal and appropriate under particular dynamic spatiotemporal context / circumstances in space and time.

However,
when anger is prolonged / intense / unacknowledged,
it may lead to diseases,
which we do not want.

Then,
how to deal with anger?

1. The ART of ENDURANCE, use THICK FACE BLACK HEART.
Some people may think that being thick face is to be shameless,
because the general perception of thick face can be exemplified by an adult child refuses to work but asks money from retired parents.
Thick face that I mean here means that we must be able to endure humiliation / insult / injustice / physical & emotional pain / stress that cause our anger.
Honestly, this is not easy but not impossible.

Black heart here does not mean being ruthless to others,
but be determined enough on ourselves so that we can endure hardship and protect the weak.
Abraham Lincoln and Mahatma Gandhi are among the finest example of practitioners of thick face black heart.

2. Neither express nor suppress anger.
Both are at the end of 2 extremes.
Expressing anger harms those around you, your relationship with others.
Suppressing anger harms yourself, your health.
Then, what should you do?
ACKNOWLEDGE our emotions, I think this is a piece of advice that I learned from Thích Nhất Hạnh / tʰǐk ɲɜ̌t hɐ̂ʔɲ.

3. Realize that we are the MASTER of our EMOTION.
We have control of our own emotion,
instead of letting our emotion enslave us.
We can practice self-control,
our mind can win over our emotion.

4. IMAGINE / VISUALIZE that your problems / pains are over. Visualize your trespasser as a little baby / child. It is hard to be angry at little children.
Ask yourself, will things / people that cause your anger matter in X amount of time (e.g. 1 year, 5 years time)?
You may not bump into the person again.
You may have moved to better places / positions.

5. Use the ART of DETACHMENT.
We can care / love others, but we have to be detached from our care / love.
We can continue to care, give best advices, but separate our feeling from the outcome of our efforts.
If they do not want to listen to our advice / to receive our kindness,
we just accept their response,
no need to feel bad about it.
Do not attach our happiness to others,
i.e. do not let our happiness be dependent on others (including their thought / words / actions).

6. LEARN from difficulties / crisis.
Believe that opportunities arise out of our difficulties.
There are always things to be learned from every situation.
There are things worth fighting,
there are things that are better ignored,
e.g. the rudeness of rude salesperson / customers, the ruthless bosses.

7. Use POSITIVE THINKING. Reframe our PERSPECTIVEs. There is no failure, there is only feedback.
Be aware that our trespasser(s) may cause unhappiness transiently, but they cannot rob away our capacity to generate inner happiness (including peace of mind, wealth).

8. LOWER / have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Accept things and other people as they are.
It is hard to change other people.
To change a person may be harder than to move a mountain.
Instead of wasting time to change others,
it is better to improve ourselves.

9. Use TALKing therapy,
but you have to find a listener,
who will listen without giving advice
(sometimes when we are angry we may perceive their well-meant advice as something negative).
Do not talk to every person you meet,
because not all people can give you empathy and sympathy in every situation / circumstances,
they may perceive you as a whiner / complain king,
we may end up transferring our pain / anger to other people.
Choose whom to TALK to carefully & wisely.
Many times, I TALK to God,
because God can take our anger / frustration.
Sometimes, I TALK to my wise mentors.
They are my role models,
and I would imagine what they would do if they were in my situation.

10. Use WRITING therapy.
This is what I exactly do now. I wrote this post because I was angry, and I want to find solutions on how to deal with anger.
Then, I think that my tips / strategies may be useful to others and decide to share them with the world.
When you write, do not worry about writing style / grammar.
You can make yourself your audience.
Keep your writing in journal / diary or
you can throw / tear away,
like cleansing / declutter your problem.

11. REST & SLEEP.
Take a power nap.
When we suffer from lack of sleep, we may become cranky.

12. MEDITATE / PRAYER.
Prayer is powerful.
Prayer = talking to God.
God can patiently listen without giving comments.
God can embrace our anger.

13. BREATHing exercise.
Imagine a balloon expanding & contracting in your lower abdomen.
Siberian North Rail Road for Stop, Notice, Reflect and Respond.
Stop to take a deep breath. Taking a deep breath can really calm our minds.
Reflect why you are angry from a 3rd person perspective (neither victim nor offender).
Respond. You always have control / choice in how you are going to respond. Be the master of your emotion, instead of letting your emotion winning over you.

14. EXERCISE e.g. yoga / qigong 气功 / jogging / hiking / swimming.
Physical activity can release emotion,
because our mind, body, and soul are inter-connected.
QiGong can help us to keep a focused mind, good posture, and help us to relax.

15. Use palm-size thermometer.
When we are angry,
blood is diverted from our extreme parts of bodies to vital organs,
our fingers turn cold.
Count to ten.
1 … 2 … 3 …. 4 …. 5 … 6 … 7 … 8 … 9 … 10 …
Focus on calming down until our fingers become warm.
PS: I learned this tips from Oprah Winfrey, thank you!
See also my green old A4 notebook page 32, 129.

If you find my writings are helpful to you, please donate to me by clicking here.

Written by blueroselady

March 23, 2013 at 11:20 am

From Tiger Leaping Gorge to Guilin

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After personally experiencing the Tiger Leaping Gorge, I want to visit Guilin.
In the past, I was satisfied with my experience in Halong Bay, but now I really want to visit Guilin. Not in the year of 2012, but I believe some time in the future.

Born to travel.
Born to be inspired and to inspire.

古月照今塵
作詞: 譚健常 作曲:小軒
原唱﹕文章

一部春秋史 千年孤臣淚
成敗難長久 興亡在轉瞬間
總在茶餘後 供於後人說
多少辛酸  話因果

百戰舊河山 古來功難全
江山幾局殘 荒城重拾何年
文章寫不盡 幽幽滄桑史
悲歡歲月  盡無情

長江長千里 黃河水不停
江山依舊人事已非 
只剩古月照今塵
莫負古聖賢 效歷朝英雄
再造一個輝煌的漢疆和唐土

再造一個輝煌的漢疆和唐土

Written by blueroselady

June 8, 2012 at 5:12 am

Entrepreneur: Don Huang and his 100 days at a startup

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I read 100 days at a startup and found it refreshing for my dream to be an entrepreneur.

It was written by Don Huang who is currently a Director of business development for Klout in San Francisco.

He reminds me on one of my former roommate in California, like Don, he also has Vietnamese origin and loves to cook.

I miss Vietnamese food greatly! I miss the moments when my roommate brought me to his favorite Vietnamese restaurants.

Moreover, Don was probably born in 1980, about the same age as my friend, whom I looked up as a big brother.

Back to the article on 100 days at a startup,

in a nutshell:

To analyze my skills, my passions, and what I want out of my career. To find my passion and follow my passion religiously.

To embrace ambiguity.

Build a network, understand how to work with people. After meet someone, immediately look them up in LinkedIn to prescreen opportunities and source for opportunities. Maintain reputation. Network! Network! Network!

Be a direct communicator.

“If you don’t like something – try to change it. If you can’t change it – leave because you’re wasting your youthful energy.” I agree, no amount of $ can buy back our youth.

Look for quick wins.

In the pursuit of education, I strived to go to the best places.

Though not perfectly done, I am grateful to myself for taking the responsibility, hard work, and commitment to make my dream a reality.

Before I completed my PhD, I thought that PhD is the highest academic qualification one can aim for.
Then, my supervisor told me that he has DSc and encouraged me to consider and pursue it. Wow!

Personally, I find that the success of completing a PhD study (especially in a subject that you do not have strong background), makes one strongly believe that one is capable of learning anything.

I struggled, survived, and surprisingly succeeded better than some people I thought as smarter than me.

However, formal education alone is one thing, but not everything.

I feel that I have been given a lot, but have not given greatly to the world.

We really become a valuable person in this world, when we can give something to others.

I want to give more tangible things to this world.

I want to join a Fortune 500 company.

These companies have made their ways to be the best in the world, surely there are tremendous things that I can learn from them.

I need to have a strong rock before I jump into my start up.

There are things inside me that are always kicking and screaming:

“Honey, you can do your best in whatever you choose to do.”

“Honey, your products and services can change the lives of million people, why are you satisfied with just a stable job?”

Yes, I can learn many things as long as I put my heart into it, from photography, writing, cooking, make-up, planning and surviving adventures to more number of countries than the number of years I have lived.

The main issue is not about my achievement, accolade, and experience, but more about how my life can better others’ lives.

I believe in myself, in my team, and our future customers.

Written by blueroselady

April 9, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Posted in career

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Today is my day, I climbed to the top of Senate House

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I just finished a lecture at 12 noon, my stomach has made noises – very hungry. The lecturer is very good in teaching, a big shot professor in his field, but my hunger distracted me.

Then, F called, asking if I can come to the City Centre. I asked him to give me 15 minutes, for dropping my laptop, getting my camera & props, and cycling (I didn’t know that I can be so efficient!).

I thought we are going to climb up the St. Mary Church Tower, I’ve never been there as I am too stingy to pay 2 pounds :(, I think I will go there sometimes when the weather and light are appropriate for photo takings – anyway the $ will go to preserve the church.

Note added in 2013: Finally I brought Dad and Mom to climb up the Great St Mary Church Tower when they traveled to England for the first (I hope not the last) time to attend my graduation. That climb was my first climb to the GSM Church Tower. Sometimes, I cannot believe how frugal I can be. I can be very patient, really!

Back to 2008. But we didn’t go up the St. Mary Church, instead to my surprise, we went up to the Senate House rooftop. My greatest honour indeed.

First, I went into the Senate House before my graduation, Senate House is used mainly for degree ceremonies and not open to the public.

Second, I climbed up to the roof, at inner triangle roof (suitable for horror movie site) seeing some marks left by people dated as far as 17xx. Nowadays, not many Cambridge students are allowed to go up beyond the roof of the Senate House. The view from top is spectacular, I can see the St. John’s Tower, King’s Chapel, Caius Tower, and of course GSM tower.

The way up is okay as compared to monkey climbing in Fansipan, just that I am carrying my prop, bag with camera, etc – but they are not a problem. The way up to St. John’s Tower is longer as it is higher and I have done that! The custodian stayed with us and patiently waited while F and I are working. I am so blessed!

This is the best volunteering event I have done with my current university, considering I don’t do much as I am very occupied with my research – a desperate research student.

In my undergraduate, I served in 1st-aiding, mentoring primary school kinds, fund-raising for needy students, organizing university-wide events (I skipped the entire week lectures for 1 of them).

Once I was discussing with my course mate (SC) who now works as an investment banker, he proposed we grow bacteria that produce gold, I proposed we form a dream-realizing team, we do whatever things to realize our client’s weirdest dream, e.g. climbing Everest or taking videos of the Mariana Trench (oops…need to be trained in oceanography?) to bride hunting. Join force with me & let us be dream achievers!

Note added in 2013: I discover that I love to ascend, to climb, and to fly. Whenever and wherever I travel, I always like to climb a tower / an observation / a hill to gain the bird view.

The excitement aside, I received a newsletter from the Prison University Project. Inside it, there is a news on a former student who was shot while talking to his friend in San Francisco, he is 23 and has children to support. I am sad to hear that. We are very fortunate, living in a much safer environment.

Written by blueroselady

November 26, 2008 at 4:27 pm