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Posts Tagged ‘EQ

5 calming tips to overcome anger

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It is OK for you to experience frustration / anger.
You are not alone.
We all experience frustration / anger in our lives.

Anger is not always bad,
anger helps us to assert our rights.

Anger, like other negative emotions and also positive emotions,
are normal and appropriate
under particular circumstances in space and time
(dynamic spatio-temporal context).

However,
when anger is prolonged / intense / unacknowledged,
it may lead to diseases,
which we do not want.

To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson,
“For every minute you remain angry

you give up 60 seconds of peace of mind.

Negative emotions such as anger / frustration / resentment,
can be extremely destructive,
because these destabilizing emotions blur our vision,
disable us from rational and clear thinking,
and rapidly drag us down to regrettable paths of lives.
There is truth in the saying that
Anger Is One Letter Short of Danger.

It is all right to feel anger
but it is not all right
to express anger violently
or with cruel words.

Anger shows on our face,
can impair our potential to live a happy life.

Angry outbursts / aggression can become a bad habit;
the more one allows anger to take control,
the deeper the brain pathways are carved & reinforced,
because of brain plasticity.
Simply put,
Anger begets anger.

When people are stress / angry,
their body releases stress hormones
like cortisol & adrenaline,
that intensify the amygdala’s sense of danger,
& shut down the calming function of the prefrontal cortex.

We want calmer, more effective & more resourceful ways
to handle our emotions,
especially angry feelings.

We want to prevent ourselves
from getting stuck in deeper problems,
such as depression & anxiety,
in the long run.

Thích Nhất Hạnh / tʰǐk ɲɜ̌t hɐ̂ʔɲ views that
either expressing or suppressing anger
is an end of 2 extremes.
Expressing anger harms those around you,
destroys your relationship with others.
Suppressing anger harms yourself & your health.
Instead, choose to acknowledge our emotions.
Choose calmer & more soothing ways to attend to anger.

Melissa Costello shares that
anger can be a cover up for deep hurt & pain.
In 10 Mindful Minutes,
Goldie Hawn & Wendy Holden also shares that
anger can be due to fear.

The good news is
we can learn techniques
to overcome & deal with
our pain & fear.

Our brain is plastic,
we can train our mind
to be positive.

We can be creative
or learn from creative people
in dealing with our negative emotions.

Roger Weissberg of Yale University
contributed a technique using the traffic signal imagery^
to help people to deal with difficult emotions.

^ Children may prefer we call it traffic signal game,
instead of the traffic signal technique.

How to use the traffic signal technique?
You can get some paper & color pencils / crayons
to draw a picture of traffic signal.

Alternatively,
you can visualize traffic signal in your mind
When you are feeling negative emotions such as anger,
use the traffic signals to help you
to drive & steer your emotions safely.

Red = stop. Breathe mindfully / do some mindful breathing.
Yellow = consider all possible / thinkable / reasonable ways to respond.
In this yellow light stage, we activate our prefrontal cortex.
Green = Respond mindfully.

The traffic signal technique works because
according to Paul Ekman,
we begin feeling a strong emotion much faster
than we are aware of it.

When we use the traffic signal technique,
we allows ourselves to stop and think.
The technique lengthens the time between
the impulse / stimulus and response (either reaction or action)
as soon as
we realize and recognize
our difficult / negative feelings.

According to Victor Frankl,
between our stimulus and response
we have the freedom and power
to choose our response:
the most positive, mindful, meaningful response.
Through frequent practices
of the traffic signal technique,
we can build solid emotional resilience.

Last, but not least,
we can memorize some affirmations & scriptures.
They act as a short-cut
to quickly calm ourselves down
in the intense moment of strong negative feelings.

Examples of affirmations:
# The anger of today is the remorse of tomorrow
# If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. Chinese Proverb.
# People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing

Examples of scriptures:
# Proverbs 16:32 : “He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that controls his temper than he who conquers a city”
# Proverbs 22:24,25 : “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered”
# Exodus 2:11-15 : In a sudden burst of anger Moses killed an Egyptian and had to flee for his life! It then took him 40 years of patiently, humbly tending sheep in the wilderness, with time to listen to the Voice of God instead of his own impulses, before he was ready for the slow, la­borious, patient work of delivering the Hebrews from Egypt.

To summarize
@~@ Remember that anger++ = Danger
@~@ Neither express or suppress anger, but acknowledge it
@~@ Traffic signal technique
@~@ Remember that you can choose your response
@~@ Memorize affirmations / scriptures

How not to feel bad about doing dirty work?

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Sometimes in our lives,
we have to do dirty work for others,
cleaning the mess that others have made.
How not to feel bad about doing dirty work?

Once, S was sharing with me that her tenant used their common toilet and left stains of shit near the toilet seat.
S had to use her hand and toilet papers to clean the toilet bowl.
S told me that if she complains to her tenant,
she may lost her rental income.
S shared that she just reframed her perspective that cleaning the toilet bowl without bad feeling means securing the rental income to support her family living.
S can also pray that a better tenant,
who is willing to pay more and practising more personal hygiene will come in the future.

Currently I am living in Singapore.
Here, I have encountered a number of elderly (about my parents’ age or older) works as janitors / toilet cleaners.
Although the public toilet condition in Singapore is much better than in China in general,
sometimes I encounter dirty toilet cubicle due to previous inconsiderate user.
It is easy for me to move on and go for a cleaner toilet cubicle or go to toilet at other levels.
However, these elderly cleaners have to clean them, e.g. removing stains of shit left by inconsiderate users.
Without these cleaners, we will not have clean toilet; they are really our heroes and heroines!

Then, I think of main motivators of why people choose or end up with (if they have not other choice) a particular job.
Quite often, money is an issue, although not always the issue.
To people who have no money,
they have less choice on what work they can do.
Sometimes, people find satisfaction from doing a job that others may dislike.

Chip Conley illustrates a story of Vivian Van Quach who came to San Francisco from Vietnam in 1987.
She has been working as a main in an inner-city motel in San Francisco owned by him.
According to Chip,
Vivian had sort of a joie de vivre (a French term for the joy of life) in how she did her work.
Although Vivian did not find joy in cleaning toilet,
Vivian has formed the emotional connection that she has built with her fellow employees and the motel’s guests.
Vivian is inspired to take care of people who are far away from home, as she herself is far away from home.

The story sounds like we should try our best to discover goodness in every job, including a mundane one.
When we seek, we will find.
When we seek joy, we will find joy.

However, to some people,
after working some time at a particular job,
they seek a room to grow.
People’s need varies from survival, success, to transformation.
We need meaning in our life.
If one wants to change a job / undertake a new career,
it is important to be educated and skilled for the next job / career.
Preparation matters.
While you are preparing,
affirm the followings:
1. I am grateful for my current position / job that gives me an income.
2. I am grateful for the environment of my jobs (the bosses / the colleagues / the food court / the toilets).
3. I am aware that my current job is only a stepping stone on my pathway of life to contribute to this world through my work.
4. I am happily releasing my current job to the next person who will be delighted to have it.
5. There are people out there who are looking for what I can offer (my skills, my service) and the universe will match us.

If you find the above post useful to you, please kindly donate to support me.
All the best!

Written by blueroselady

July 31, 2013 at 2:29 pm

What are people emotionally hungry for?

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According to Les Giblin, the author of Confidence and Power in Dealing with People, people are hungry for:
Admiration
Affirmation
Approval
Appreciation
Acceptance

When Blueroselady loves herself, she will be able to love others.
When Blueroselady likes herself, she will be able to like others.
Thus, Blueroselady is constantly improving herself.
Self-help
Instead of seeking admiration, affirmation, approval, appreciation and acceptance from other people, Blueroselady constantly provides them to herself.

People are more pleased at a compliment if we praise them for something that is not glaringly obvious.
Praise the ACTIVITY / action / performance / job, not the person. This way of praising is more specific and sincere.
Similarly, if we must give constructive criticism,
criticize the ACTIVITY / action / performance / job, not the person. This way of criticizing is impersonal.

Do not compete with other people to make ourselves seem better / more important at their expense.
Never criticize someone in front of someone else.
Do not speak negatively about ANYTHING (including our competitors). People do not like negative people.

Related:
How not to listen to non-constructive criticism?
How to play the game of life?
The 10 most important things
Leadership

Written by blueroselady

October 16, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Tips: kind words

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Quoting Mother Teresa, kind words can be easy and short to say, but their effects are everlasting. Please correct me if I am wrong.

(1) MAXIMIZE USAGE of POSITIVE words, MINIMIZE NEGATIVE words

One of my colleagues RR used the words “nasty” quite often during our discussions, and it somehow discouraged me. Not to worry, I have another layer of defense: intrinsically I will not be affected by what others say.
My goal is clear: to get our project completed.

(2) Please, Thank You, Sorry

Written by blueroselady

August 23, 2011 at 3:18 pm