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Book: Awaken the giant within

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Author: Anthony Robbins

Chapter 16 [Rules: If you’re not happy, here’s why!]

Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody else expects of you – Henry Ward Beecher. page 369.
Henry Ward Beecher (June 24, 1813 – March 8, 1887) was a prominent, Congregationalist clergyman, social reformer, abolitionist, and speaker in the mid to late 19th century.
In 2007, The Most Famous Man in America: A Biography of Henry Ward Beecher by Debby Applegate won the Pulitzer Prize for Biography or Autobiography.
An advocate of Women’s suffrage, temperance and Darwin’s theory of evolution, and a foe of slavery and bigotry of all kinds (religious, racial and social), Beecher held that Christianity should adapt itself to the changing culture of the times. Later, in the 1870s and 1880s, Beecher became a prominent advocate for allowing Chinese immigration to continue to the United States, and is credited for delaying the passage of the Chinese Exclusion Act until 1882. Beecher compared Chinese immigrants favorably to Irish immigrants, and argued that excluding the former from entering the country while allowing the latter was an unjust practice.

Famous phrases by Henry Ward Beecher:
Love is the river of life in the world“.
“Discover what you are”.
“Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody else expects of you. Never excuse yourself. Never pity yourself. Be a hard master to yourself-and be lenient to everybody else.” Blueroselady: I saw this message in another language while I was in high school, from my mathematics teacher.

How we can entertain ourselves?
Watching the diversity of people (page 369)

It doesn’t take very much light to wipe out the darkness (page 370).

What has to happen in order for you to feel good? (page 371).
NOTHING has to happen in order for you to feel good.
What HAS TO HAPPEN in order for you to feel successful? (page 375).
Do your rules EMPOWER or DISEMPOWER you? page 377.
How do we know if a rule EMPOWERS or DISEMPOWERS us? A rule is disempowering if (1) it is impossible to meet, (2) something we cannot control determines whether our rules has been met or not, (3) it gives you only a few ways to feel good and lots of ways to feel bad.

As long as we structure our lives in a way where our happiness is dependent upon something we cannot control, then we will experience pain.

A useful rule (for attending an event, traveling to a destination, knowing a person): We are going to ENJOY this event, companionship, journey, etc, no matter what happened.
Whether or not we feel like we are ACHIEVING our VALUES is totally dependent upon our RULES. page 373.

What are RULES?
Beliefs about what is good and what is bad, what we should do and what we MUST do. page 373.
Rules are a SHORTCUT for our brains. Rules help us to make lightning-quick decisions. page 375.
If you have set up a system of rules that causes you to feel frustrated, angry, hurt or unsuccessful – or you have no clear rules for knowing when you’re happy, successful, and so on – those emotion affect the way you treat the people around you and how they feel when they are near you.
Blueroselady agrees that we must have rules that allow us TO BE HAPPY anytime we want. page 377.
We want to make rules that hard to feel bad and EASY TO FEEL GOOD.
The key Q is not whether rules are right or wrong, but whether they EMPOWER or disempower us. page 385.
Too many “MUST” rules can make life unlivable. page 390.

“Honey, it’s not that things get muddled so easily. It’s that you have MORE WAYS for things to get muddled. You have only one way for things to be perfect”. Gregory Bateson book Steps to an Ecology of Mind. page 375.
Lesson learnt: Blueroselady is to have MORE WAYS for things to be perfect and excellent.

What are good rules for COMPETENCE? If I have done anything like it, then I know I can master this as well, and therefore I AM COMPETENT. page 378.

Never ever make your rules be dependent on other people.
There are just too many people with different ideas and beliefs. page 379.
What are the chances in your life of having people judge you before they know you? Only about 100%. page 381.

When people are feeling good all the time, they tend to treat others better, and they tend to maximize their potential as human beings.

LOVE: I experience love anytime I express love, give love to others, or allow myself to receive it. Anytime I am being WARM and SUPPORTIVE of my friends, family, or strangers. Anytime how my state of being enhances how other people feel.
HEALTH: I am healthy when I acknowledge how wonderful I already feel.
LEARNING and GROWING: Anytime I think of A NEW POSSIBILITY. Anytime I expand or become more EFFECTIVE. Anytime I APPLY anything I know in a positive way.
ACHIEVING: Anytime I focus on the value of my life. Anytime I set an outcome and MAKE IT HAPPEN. Anytime I learn anything or CREATE VALUE for myself or others.

How to get rid of negativity?
I avoid CONSISTENTLY depending on the acceptance of others for my ultimate happiness and success.

How to get rid of procrastination?
I avoid CONSISTENTLY expecting perfection from myself and others. Expecting too much of perfection may create pain.

How to get HIGH SELF-ESTEEM?
High self-esteem comes from feeling like WE HAVE CONTROL over events, not that events have control over you. page 390.

Every emotional upset that we have ever encountered with another human being is a rule upset. page 385.
If we ever feel angry or upset with someone, remember it is our rules that are upsetting us, not their behaviour. page 386.
Once we are both clear on what the other person wants, then we can make a deal.
The paradox of CONFLICTING BELIEFS and RULES is one of the reasons find so much frustration in their lives.

What is more important? My relationship or my rules?

If we want to have quality relationships with other people, whether it is in our business or personal life, we must … COMMUNICATE OUR RULES. Do not expect people to live by our rules if we do not clearly communicate what they are.
In the beginning of any relationship, ask “What will it take for you to know that our relationship is working? How often do we have to communicate? What is necessary?”

Simple definition of friendship: If we are friends, then I absolutely love you unconditionally (this is agape or philia kind of love, instead of eros love). I will do anything I can to support my friend. If my friend call me when they are in trouble or truly in need, I am there for my friend.

Let us design our rules so that we are IN CONTROL, so that the outside world is not the one that determines if we feel good or bad. page 392.
The most empowering rule is TO ENJOY OURSELVES no matter what happen. page 393.

Let us find out our spouse rules, our parents, our bosses and subordinates. If we understand people rules, we can PREDICT their behaviour, we can truly MEET THEIR NEEDS and therefore enrich the quality of our relationships.

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Written by blueroselady

June 18, 2011 at 10:37 pm

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